Something To Believe In
by hales1889
Summary: Craig returns to Hollyoaks after his first year of Uni to try and salvage his relationship with John Paul.
1. Chapter 1

A lot can change in a year. And yet as he stepped out of the taxi and on to the familiar cobbles it seemed that, in the same way, nothing had changed at all. Perhaps it was the predictably dreary weather, the way that a few people were still braving the cold clutching hot cups of coffee outside of Il Gnosh, or the fact that the first few people who passed him in the street had the sort of half familiar faces that made you smile at them on the off chance of offending somebody who you actually knew quite well, but it seemed in that second that he had stepped directly back into his old life. Ostensibly his departure had left no lasting impact on the life of this quiet village, although his leaving had had an undeniable impact on himself.

The decision to return had been a snap one in the end. A nagging sensation in the pit of his stomach that had been bothering him for months had become unbearably recurrent in the last week and ultimately led to a hurriedly packed suitcase and a last minute flight. His arrival therefore, was to be unexpected by his friends and family alike. A good surprise he hoped. His reasons for returning were largely undefined, at least in his own head. His heart knew different, but he had never been fond of looking into the one part of himself where he knew the honest answers lay, and a year of growth had brought no change in this respect. To him his motivation remained something in the abstract. A want, a need, almost an urgency to return to his roots, to find closure, to answer questions, to fill gaps and reunite new and old selves. He craved a peace that had been lacking for nearly 2 years. And he knew there was only one place in the world he could find it.

'God that sounds like pretentious bollocks' he shook his head and interrupted his own reverie with typical Craig Dean bluntness before picking up his case and wheeling it towards the home that he had left in painful circumstances almost a whole year ago.

'Craig!' the piercing voice of his mother was unmistakable, but welcome, as soon as he stepped into the pub and he threw his arms around her as she launched herself at her youngest son.

'Alright Mum' he grinned, laughing at the tears of joy running down his mother's face 'God, I'm only returning from Uni not the War. Dublin's a pretty civilised place these days you know.'

'Oh Craig I can't believe you're here! Why didn't you tell us you were coming back? We would've come and picked you up!' Frankie finally loosened her embrace but continued to hold him at arm's length and survey him.

'Well I only just decided and I thought it'd be a nice surp-'

'Gosh have you not been eating well son, you know you look as though you've lost weight, and you really can't afford to with your figure, sit down let's get you some food…oh it's been far too long since I've been able to look after my baby like this' she steered him to a table and pushed him down forcefully into a chair.

'Mum really don't fuss I'm absolutely-'

'JACK!' she screeched 'Jack! Come out here, it's our Craig he's only gone and come home'

Jack emerged from the stairs to the flat with a surprised but nonetheless delighted smile on his face and hurried over to Craig 'Oh it's good to see you Son' he said shaking his hand then throwing his arm around his shoulders 'Your mum's really missed you'

'We all have, love' Frankie cut in 'Every holiday I hoped you might just come and see us but then…well…every holiday I was disappointed. Never mind eh? You're here now.'

Craig shifted uncomfortably in his seat at this, but gave a small smile 'I missed you all too.'

'Wow, nearly 30 whole seconds before laying the parental guilt trip; you must be getting soft Mum'

Craig span round to trace where the recognizable voice was coming from and broke into a grin as spotted his sister leaning against the bar with her arms folded.

'Steph!'

She fixed him with a slightly pensive look but eventually returned his smile 'Heya Craig. It's good to see you'

Her reaction was muted to say the least but with the arrival of Darren into the bar and Frankie rushing off to phone Jake and tell him the news, Craig had little time to dwell on it before he was whisked away upstairs and encouraged to regale his family with tales from the Emerald Isle.

Later that night, Craig was unpacking things into his old bedroom when a sudden wave of exhaustion forced him back onto the bed, where he lay silently and listened to the muffled voices from the pub below. The sense of deja vu was inevitable he supposed. His room looked as it ever had and the rise and fall of noises from below had been the soundtrack to many a night lain thinking on his bed in years gone by. But far from providing him with comfort, this only served to make him doubt further his ability to be the person he knew wanted to be now that he was back in his old home. The familiarity of everything and the sense of his old self in the room encouraged him that falling back into his old ways might not be such a bad idea. If nothing else it would cause what he knew would be a far easier summer.

But that, he sighed, was taking the easy way out. Something he was undoubtedly fond of, but also something that had got him into this mess in the first place.

Nope, this time, he would have balls for a change. He knew he might have to fight for what he wanted, he might lose his friends and family in the process, hell he might even get his heart broken at the end of it all, but a pair of bright blues staring down at him from a photograph on his wall reminded him it was worth the risk.


	2. Chapter 2

John Paul was pissed off. This wasn't uncommon, but he was also upset, and the thought of that made him even more pissed off. He wished it didn't hurt so much but he couldn't deny that it did. Despite everything he told himself time and time again to the contrary he was still the same boy who fell into things with his heart first and his head tumbling after. They'd only been seeing each other for three months or so but his break up with Ryan had left him feeling raw. Not inconsolable, but definitely out of sorts.

However the good thing that had come out of the mess of last year was that John Paul now considered any personal pain he encountered to be relative. The demise of his relationship, if it could even be called that, with a certain brown haired boy sat at the pinnacle of heartbreak and everything else paled in comparison. This thought, he found, helped him to deal with things in a more rational way and he could always comfort himself with the mantra that he had survived worse.

Sometimes, on days such as these, he even allowed himself to remember, although only momentarily, of the way it had felt to be in love so completely and remind himself that as the current feelings bore little resemblance his loss was not that great. This was a risky strategy however, one saved for only the gravest of days, as it tended to lead to a gut wrenching trawl down a memory lane that was strewn with pain, lies, anger and still open wounds. Today was not a day for such things. His pain scale suggested that a morning in his pyjamas with a steaming mug of coffee and the ultimate escapism of Jeremy Kyle would suffice.

45 minutes later however an insistent knock at the door forced John Paul begrudgingly from the haven he had created.

'Alright Alright I'm coming' swinging the door open he had no time to greet his visitor before she barged inside.

'Morning! I just thought I'd come by so we could….' She stopped abruptly and surveyed the room 'Oh dear. Oh John Paul really'

'What?' he looked sheepish as he took in the discarded coffee cups, empty chocolate wrappers and daytime television quietly entertaining itself in the corner.

'Well…you're wallowing aren't you?' she snapped

'You say that like it's a bad thing.'

'John Paul. You're wearing pyjamas'

'So?' he muttered trying to kick off his slippers before she noticed.

'Well really have you ever seen anything more pathetic? Come on it's been three days' she frowned 'You're being very girly about all this John Paul'

'I miss him Nance' he muttered quietly.

She gave him a half smile and rubbed his arm gently 'I know that. But if we're honest, we both know he wasn't right for you. In the long run you'll be better off this way. And to be frank…' she began 'you're starting to get a little dull.'

He chuckled but threw himself back onto a chair and sighed loudly 'But what if…'

'John Paul. You're _going_ to find someone. Someone's who's right for you. I promise.' She placed a kiss lightly on the top of his head before settling back onto the sofa 'And if not' she shrugged 'I'll let you borrow Jake for the day'

He laughed properly this time and gave one of the first real smiles that he'd felt for several days 'What would I do without you eh?'

'I dunno' she said staring at the mess in front of her and smiling 'probably just sit on your arse all day and get really fat.'

John Paul tossed a biscuit at her head in response 'Just give in to it Nancy you know you want to join me.'

She rolled her eyes but raised no argument as she tucked her legs beneath her and shifted into a more comfortable position 'Oh I meant to say, I spoke to Sarah yesterday'

'Yeah? How is she?'

'She seemed great. Life in Manchester seems to agree with her in a big way.'

John Paul smiled 'She still modelling?'

'Yep' Nancy nodded shoving a biscuit in her mouth 'She's getting quite a bit of work, mostly catalogue stuff I think but whatever, it pays the bills. She's happy enough.'

'Boyfriend?'

'Nah don't think so. She was seeing some barman but they broke it off as couple of weeks ago. And you'll never guess what she did? She only went and called Craig the other night when she was completely mashed!'

He couldn't help himself; John Paul's head jerked up almost involuntarily at the sound of that name.

'Honestly you spend months crying into your cornflakes and trying desperately to get over someone and then after nearly a whole year, you have a relapse. Silly cow' she laughed 'Another coffee?'

'Er…yeah thanks' John Paul picked distractedly at the arm of his sofa 'So how was he?'

Nancy stuck her head back out of the kitchen 'How was who?' she looked confused 'Craig?'

He nodded, as nonchalantly as he could pull off.

'Oh right sorry. Actually I have no idea, apparently he answered, she thought she heard a girl in the background, squealed and hung up – such a drama queen!'

John Paul laughed softly 'Sounds about right'

Nancy plonked herself back down on the sofa cradling a steaming mug 'Haven't you spoken to him recently anyway?

'Craig? No…no not recently. Not since, a few weeks back I think. He was good though, y'know, having fun. Nothing much to report' He shrugged.

It was a lie. They hadn't spoken. In fact, they hadn't had one single conversation since Craig's departure to Dublin. There had been times when he desperately wanted to talk to him, when his fingers had hovered over the controls of his phone, but he had always restrained. With just one exception, just over a month after he had left, when they had the closest thing to a conversation that they could manage.

They were on the phone for almost 40 minutes, but neither managed to utter a single word; it was total silence save for breathing and stifled tears. And when eventually he hung up, John Paul felt as exhausted as if they had just screamed at each other for hours, so he learned never to call again.

But in front of friends, Nancy and Hannah in particular, as well as all of his family, he found it was easier to keep up the pretence of communication. Thus far his evasive and fabricated answers had invited few questions, and one glance at an apparently placated Nancy suggested it had succeeded again.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much for all the comments! Here's part 3...

* * *

Craig had awoken the next morning with that uneasy sense of forgetting where he was and more importantly what had driven him to be there, but he shook it off quickly. He suspected that there would be far more uncomfortable moments than that to come over the summer and he couldn't afford to be distracted by them all. Not when, as far as he was concerned, his entire personal happiness depended upon it. Happinesss, Craig had soon discovered, proved somewhat elusive when you ran from the one thing in your life that truly made sense. And he was determined to capture it again. 

'You just gonna sit there all day looking gormless?' Steph demanded, flouncing into the kitchen.

'Sorry, just zoned out there for a second' he laughed, realising a spoonful of cereal was still suspended midway between his bowl and his mouth.

'So I see. So what's the plan?'

'Plan?'

'For the day!' she exclaimed 'Craig, you've been away almost a year, aren't there people here that you're desperate to see?'

'Well I wouldn't say _desperate_…' he shrugged, trying to block a certain boy from his mind.

'Aren't you dying to see John Paul? I thought you two were like Butch and Sundance'

He shot her a quizzical look 'What do you know abo-'

'It was research!' she explained 'I was in a play, a Western'

Craig rolled his eyes, he was more than glad he hadn't been around to witness that atrocity. 'Yeah' he said finally 'I'm hopefully meeting up with everyone later.'

'Did you miss them?'

'My friends? Yeah of course I did.' Steph was sat staring at him, evidently waiting for more, but he was unsure what kind of elaboration she wanted.

'Sometimes I just felt really far away y'know.' He began hesitantly 'And I mean I made friends there it's just…It's not the same. People like my friends here, John Paul…and Nancy and Hannah of course, they're hard to find. So yeah I missed them. Sometimes I missed them so much it felt like…like I couldn't breathe…' he trailed off, conscious that he may have said too much, but Steph appeared not to notice and was examining her nails critically.

'Nancy will probably be around soon, she'll have heard the news off our Jake.'

Craig smiled 'I can't believe they're still going strong'

'I know. Good job I suppose, it's taken Mum this long to actually give it her blessing' she laughed.

'I'm glad he's happy, he deserves it and Nancy's a brilliant girl.'

'It's weird, but after everything that happened with Becca I always just assumed it'd be you next. You know, to find a nice girl, settle down'

Craig laughed uneasily and shook his head 'Funny how things turn out eh?'

On cue, Jake and Nancy burst through the door giggling and entertaining Charlie who was wriggling in his Dad's arms.

'Talk of the devil' Steph bounded from her seat and advanced towards her nephew to give him a cuddle.

'Craig!' Nancy squealed engulfing him in a warm hug 'I can't believe you're back'

She let go and studied him earnestly 'It's really good to see you.'

'Likewise, obviously' Craig beamed 'You look great Nance.'

'You too Dean, Dublin obviously agrees with you.'

'It has its charms' he shrugged 'Not quite like home though.'

Nancy shook her head 'Nowhere ever is!' she laughed 'Listen I can't stop I have to run into college, I just wanted to come give you a hug, but we have to have a catch up very soon. Tonight?' she asked '8.30? The Dog then The Loft if we're feeling crazy?'

'Woah let's not go over board Nance' Craig smirked, throwing his arm around her shoulder 'Sounds great though'

'Brilliant, I'll text Hannah and then -' she broke off and looked at him thoughtfully 'John Paul doesn't know you're back does he?'

'No, not yet I was going to…'

'He's gonna freak when he sees you.' Nancy laughed 'I've gotta go round there later anyway so I'll tell him about tonight shall I?' She didn't wait for an answer but just gave Charlie a quick kiss on the head before rushing out of the door 'See you tonight!'

As soon as the door slammed shut, Craig knew he should've stopped her and insisted that he be the one to tell John Paul. He needed it to be him. He had played the scene out in his head a million times and though they all varied the one constant was that they were alone, just the two of them. Craig and the one boy who had barely left his thoughts for an entire year. He knew he couldn't face their first meeting to be with an audience.

Besides that, ever since he had woken up, the thought that John Paul was a mere walk away across the village had been driving him crazy. There was no way he could wait until that night to see him.

* * *

As it turned out, he couldn't even wait a couple of hours. By 11.30 he was pacing up and down his living room; the recently knocked over mug by his feet testament to the nervous agitation that had built up inside of him. He was instructing himself to breathe, to be calm, and not to dwell on the past. But he couldn't help it. Every time he tried to pluck up the courage to actually leave the house and go to John Paul's his mind was driven back to the last time he'd knocked on his door. These were not happy memories and he shook his head violently to chase them from his mind. 

Eventually he sat down and shut his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he pictured John Paul's face in is mind's eye; trying to recreate every contour, every dimple, every sparkle in his eye in the detail it deserved.

It was the face he had missed above all else and yet also the face that had never really left him. It was always there; haunting his sleep, staring down at him from photos, dominating his thoughts and tormenting him every time he tried to let go and be with someone else.

Realising he couldn't stand it a moment longer he rose from his seat and bolted out the door before he could lose his nerve. He stumbled down the stairs with his mind racing and his heart pounding heavily in his chest, he didn't hear his mother call a greeting from the bar and didn't see the advancing figure as he was rushing out of the door until he smacked straight into him.

'Sorry' he muttered 'I…'

Craig froze as he lifted his head and the piercing stare of the bluest eyes he'd ever seen drove all other words into oblivion.


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for your comments! Here's part 4 - Flashback in Italics

* * *

John Paul couldn't breathe.

The morning had started off so normally; there had been no hint whatsoever of a life altering event brewing in the air. And yet there he was.

'Craig…' he croaked, gripping onto the door frame to support his suddenly shaking limbs.

The rest of the world seemed to fall away as he stared. The noise around him faded into the distance whilst people and buildings blurred out of focus until the only thing with any clarity was the boy stood in front of him. The one thing he both couldn't bear to look at and couldn't bear not to.

He wanted to take him all in, let his eyes roam freely over the body he'd once known as well as his own, he wanted to search for changes, register ways in which time had taken its toll on Craig's features. But he couldn't. He just couldn't tear his eyes away from those in front of him.

They stood there wordlessly for hours; or maybe it was seconds. Time seemed to have disappeared with the rest of the world.

'John Paul…' Craig's voice that broke the silence was barely even a whisper but he relished the feel of the name on his lips again. The corners of his mouth upturned in a tentative smile

'It's good to see you.' He managed.

John Paul didn't respond but lifted a hand cautiously towards Craig's face. He couldn't quite bring himself to believe what was before him; such visions had been shattered by the onset of morning more times than he cared to count.

He drew breath sharply as his trembling fingers made contact with Craig's cheek.

'You're back' he murmured.

Craig nodded gently and reached up to squeeze the hand that was still rested on his cheek. John Paul's eyes, already sparkling with tears that he wouldn't allow to fall, widened at the touch. He started and jerked his hand away, shaking his head to break the spell Craig's eyes were casting.

'I have to go.'

'John Paul don't…;'

But he'd already gone. And Craig could do nothing except watch the hunched over figure retreat into the distance.

* * *

As though that one fleeting encounter had opened the floodgates, John Paul battled his way home through a sea of Craig related memories. Stumbling through the streets, oblivious to all around him, his mind wandered through times that he had resolutely locked away over the months following Craig's departure…

_In what was possibly the most poorly timed display of courage ever, Craig had finally succeeded in breaking up with Sarah a mere three days before they were supposed to move to Ireland. He'd told her that it wasn't her it was him, that them staying together wasn't fair on her, and that he simply didn't love her anymore; at least not enough to justify her coming to Dublin. She had cried. A lot. And screamed a bit. He'd truthfully insisted there was no other woman. She cried some more regardless. He told her that he needed a fresh start, without her. She reacted by throwing him out the house, then returned back inside to wring out some final, bitter tears._

_All in all it hadn't actually been as bad as he'd expected. At least she hadn't begged; Craig knew he was terrible at saying no._

_The time between John Paul finding out about the split and him seeing Craig was barely long enough for him to make a cup of tea, change his shirt and rush to his front door to answer the ringing doorbell but he counted those moments as amongst the most blissful of his life._

_Beyond that fateful second however, from the moment that he set his eyes on Craig's face, began a series of events that he numbered amongst his worst. The look on Craig's face at that point spoke everything that needed to be said and at later dates John Paul considered this to be the reason why he had little memory of the words that had actually passed between them._

_He could remember that Craig had apologised, that he said he did love him but he was still going to Dublin and that it had to be over between them. He said that nobody should know about them. Ever. Craig had been quite explicit about this. There had been tears; although not on John Paul's part. And as he led Craig calmly to the door and asked him to leave he had managed a harshly spoken 'Goodbye', intending for it to be the last word he ever spoke to Craig Dean. Beyond this all he could conjure of that afternoon was gut wrenching ache that he knew had been terrorising his body throughout._

The banging of his own front door as he slammed it behind him shook John Paul out of his reverie and his trembling body slumped against the door.

'What's up with you?' Jacqui demanded, appearing from nowhere at the top of the stairs.

'It's nothing' he shrugged, glancing quickly up at her 'I'm fine'

'You look like you've seen a ghost'

John Paul's brow furrowed as he let out a soft laugh 'Yeah…' he nodded 'Something like that.'


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for all the feedback so far, it's lovely to know people are reading! Here's part 5, sorry it's quite long, once again flashbacks in italics. Hope you enjoy- although actually it's a bit sad i'm afraid!

* * *

Across town, Craig was sprawled out on a sofa trawling through almost identical memories, trying to get his head around all the things that he needed to put right if John Paul was ever going to give him the time of day. Until their encounter some half an hour previously, Craig had never entertained the idea that perhaps he simply didn't deserve John Paul, but the palpable pain in his eyes when they met and the memories that Craig had just relieved reminded him that all that had gone before still lingered between them and suddenly, his past mistakes felt like a mountain stacked against him.

'Alright Craigy!' Darren boomed ruffling his step brother's hair as he strode through the lounge.

Craig sighed as he greeted quite possibly the last person he wanted to see 'Alright'

'Fancy coming to give me a hand in the bar later?'

'Can't.' Craig intoned 'I'm busy.'

'Busy?' Darren was incredulous taking in Craig's horizontal state 'Christ you students haven't got a clue have you?'

'I'm on holiday Darren.'

'Your whole life's a holiday!'

Craig didn't respond but simply lay his head back down on the arm of his sofa and shut his eyes, shifting in vain to find a more relaxing position.

'Can I ask you something?' Darren asked, resting his elbow onto the kitchen top.

'I get the feeling you're going to anyway'

''Why did you come back?'

Craig lazily opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows 'Well it's lovely to see you too Darren'

'No it's not that. I just meant-'

'So you did miss me then?' Craig interrupted with amusement.

'Like a hole in the head.' Darren grinned

'But what I mean is there's Dublin…and then there's here. I mean it's like, I dunno, lettuce…and chips'

Craig brow furrowed in tired confusion 'What's your point Darren?'

'I just don't understand what possible reason you'd have for leaving a city dripping with Guinness and luscious ladies to come spend your summer here. In Hollyoaks. A place so desperate for excitement that people practically throw a party if Tony changes the specials board in Il Gnosh.'

'It's the Summer holidays Darren, people do go home you know, see their family, their friends'

Darren looked unconvinced 'All I'm saying is that if it were me, you'd have to drag me back kicking and screaming.' He walked over to the sofa and positioned his face close to Craig's 'I think there's more to it than you're telling us.'

'And I think you're delusional'

Darren pulled back, eyes wide 'You didn't knock up some Irish bird did you?'

Craig couldn't help but laugh at how wide of the mark that was in so many ways. 'No, I definitely didn't do that.'

Darren frowned but seemed placated for now as he made his way back over to the door, checking his hair in his mirror on route. 'You know I was starting to think you'd never come back. It seems like a lifetime ago that you left.'

.'Yeah I guess it does.'

'Oh and Craig?' Darren called, walking out the door 'I suppose I did miss you a tiny bit'

He smiled as his step brother disappeared down the stairs but inside he felt knotted with unease. His departure may seem like a long time ago to Darren, but he had a feeling that his final hours would be etched in his own mind forever…

_In the event, the brief words spoken at the front door were not the last they exchanged. Having not spoken to Craig for three days, and having ignored countless calls and texts over the first two of those, John Paul found, much to his own frustration, that he was unable to let go this way and at the very last second raced to the airport. He needed to say goodbye properly and to try and close this chapter of his life in a way that would allow him to move on. And as much as he hated to admit it, he couldn't bear the thought that he may not lay his eyes on Craig for years after this day. The very idea of this separation was killing him and he knew he had to see him one last time._

_Passengers and luggage scattered out of his way as he raced through the busy airport terminal, desperately scanning the crowds for signs of Craig's presence. After twenty minutes of fruitless searching he was beginning to give up hope, when at last he glimpsed an all too familiar figure in a dwindling queue to check in._

'_Craig! Craig! Hang On!' Forgetting entirely where he was and ignoring the mass of nosy passengers now staring at him, John Paul yelled out and ran across the building. _

_Craig had looked up at the sound of his name not to identify the voice, that was instantly recognisable, but to locate its owner, and as he caught sight of John Paul racing towards him he grinned, looking relieved, and edged out of the queue, waving forwards the family behind him._

_John Paul ground to an abrupt halt as he reached him and leant forwards to catch his breath. 'Craig listen, I'm sorry I had to come I…' he looked up and bit his lip nervously as his words ran dry and nothing he had rehearsed in his head seemed quite right._

_Thrusting his hands into his pockets he gazed at the boy in front of him in search of inspiration, but he frowned as he registered the calm, smiling expression on Craig's face._

'_You knew I was going to come didn't you?'_

_Craig's shoulders flinched upwards in a small shrug 'I think I know you pretty well by now John Paul' he replied quietly._

'_That's why you stopped calling.' _

_Craig sighed and ran his fingers through his hair 'I knew you wouldn't pick up.' _

'_But yeah…' he continued quietly, catching sight of John Paul's uncertain expression 'I knew you'd try and stop me going.'_

'_And are you?' John Paul whispered 'Are you going?'_

_Craig stared at him for what felt like an eternity, before inflecting his head in the smallest of nods. 'I have to.' He murmured_

'_So that's it then?' John Paul managed, struggling to keep his voice steady as tremors of pain wracked through his weary body._

_Craig turned away as tears slid helplessly down his cheeks; tears he knew he had no right to shed but that he just couldn't control. He knew he would never be able to make him understand, sometimes even he struggled to rationalise why he had to go, but there was a part of himself that knew unequivocally that he had to leave. For the bigger part of himself, the part that simply longed to fall into the arms of the boy who stood broken before him, he just had to put his faith in the hope that eventually he would be a person who deserved to be in those arms, and all roads would lead back here._

'_I'm sorry'_

'_Yeah. So am I.' John Paul snapped, his despair turning quickly to anger as his voice rose and his eyes flashed with hurt. _

'_Of course you knew I'd come. Typical John Paul eh? Lets people treat him like crap and still comes running after them begging them to stay. God I'm pathetic…'_

_Craig grabbed him roughly by the arms 'Listen to me…' he pleaded, his voice low and insistent 'The reason I knew you'd come is because you always fight for what you want. You never give up, you're brave and fearless and…' he broke off and his hands fell limply to his sides 'You're everything I'm not John Paul.'_

'_Don't Craig' he spat 'don't break my heart and then feed me some self deprecating crap to cushion the blow. It's not fair._

'_I can't stay John Paul' Craig pleaded 'I can't be this person, I'm not ready. I can't love you.'_

'_Maybe you should have stopped me coming here then. Or did you just do it to make yourself feel better? Make you feel like some cared? Feel good does it? Watching someone beg' John Paul's face was so contorted with anger and pain that Craig could hardly bear to look at him._

_A suffocating silence fell between them as each boy tried desperately to regain control over their emotions. _

'_I just wanted to say goodbye' Craig responded finally_

_Final Check-In Call For Flight BA7762K to Dublin _

_The cheery voice of the airport announcer tore through them; a painful reminder that it was time, more than themselves that they were fighting now._

'_Goodbye then Craig.'_

_Craig's voice was desperate as his bloodshot eyes bore into John Paul's 'Please don't hate me…'_

_John Paul laughed bitterly as tears stung his cheeks 'You don't know how much I want to…'._

'… _But I just don't think I ever could' he finished quietly._

_Craig gave a watery smile as he cupped John Paul's face in his hands and brushed their lips together, lingering for the briefest of seconds before he slowly pulled away._

'_Goodbye John Paul.'_

_

* * *

_

Thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews! Here's chapter 6...

* * *

'John Paul, you've got a visitor.'

He glanced up and peeled one of his headphones away from his ear as his tired looking mother appeared in the doorway 'What did you say?'

Myra rolled her eyes at her music obsessed son 'I said, Nancy's here.'

'Ah right, well send her up then.' He swung his legs carelessly off the bed and tossed his headphones to one side.

'No need!' Nancy chirped walking into the room, her face plastered with an unusually happy grin 'I'm here.'

John Paul narrowed his eyes and regarded her chipper demeanour with suspicion; it would be fair to say Nancy was rarely Sunshine personified.

'I hope you can get something out of him love, he's been in a funny mood for hours.' Myra said kindly, placing a hand on Nancy's heavily tattooed shoulder.

'Mum, I'm right here!' he gave a manic little wave of his arm to reinforce his presence, but she merely shot a look of wide eyed innocence back at her son.

'I'll do what I can.' Nancy promised as Mrs McQueen headed back downstairs and left them to it.

'Jesus, my family do my head in sometimes.'

'John Paul' Nancy scolded 'Don't be so ungrateful.'

He turned a little sheepish; with her perennially tough exterior it was easy to forget that Nancy's family situation was far from ideal. 'So what's got you all smiley then?' he enquired lightly.

'Craig's back!' she squealed happily.

John Paul mentally smacked himself in the head; Craig's return had been occupying his thoughts all day and yet it had never once occurred to him that the same event that was causing him such anguish could have elicited such glee from Nancy. Of the two, of course, her reaction was eminently more explicable; the return of one of their best friends should be a cause for celebration. If only it wasn't for that the persistent, tear-jerking ache in his heart, he mused wryly, then maybe he could have shared in her delight.

'I know' he deadpanned finally.

Nancy's excited face fell immediately 'You do?'

He nodded and wandered over to his turntable, busying himself re-organising records perfectly ordered so he didn't have to look her in the eye. 'I bumped into him in the village earlier.'

'Right.' Nancy perched herself gingerly on the end of his bed and visibly chose her words carefully 'You don't seem overly enthused'

'So I'm not turning cartwheels.' He replied tersely 'Big deal.'

At the hurt look on her face he felt immediately guilty and relented; all too aware that his current behaviour must seem irrational. 'I'm sorry.' He said gently 'I am happy it's just…it's been a while that's all.'

She nodded her understanding 'I know. That's why we're all meeting tonight at The Dog, proper catch up-cum- lash up. You'll be there won't you?'

Unable to stand the pleading in her eyes, he turned his attention back to his ever expanding music collection. 'I'm not sure actually, I think I might be doing something with one of my sisters'

'John Paul…' she chided

'Sorry Nance, but you know what McQueen women are like. There are men up and down the country confined to wheelchairs because they stood them up.' He joked lightly, flashing her a weak smile.

'Scarily, I believe that.' Nancy commented dryly. 'But you're their brother, it's different. And you're coming tonight.'

'Nance please…'

'What is it? What's wrong?'

'You don't understand.' He muttered.

'No, you're absolutely right, I don't!' Nancy exclaimed, her exasperation finally getting the better of her 'So why don't you explain it to me?'

'It's just…well… there are things…' he stuttered quietly '…Things you don't know.'

'Oh I'm sure there are' she snapped 'But I'll just tell you some of the things that I _do_ know shall I?'

She got up off the bed and pulled John Paul round to face her as she counted things off impatiently on her fingers. 'I know that when Craig left you barely came out of your room because you literally grieved over him for weeks, I know that you walked around with a tear stained face for months but every time we asked you how you were, you insisted you were fine, I know that you've been pretending to keep in touch with Craig for the whole of this past year and I know that right now you're making up some lame excuse to get out of seeing him again.'

'And despite all that John Paul, despite all the lies, not _once_ have I questioned you or pushed you for answers!'

A silence nearly as deafening as Nancy's tirade filled the room as she finally paused to take a breath. She stared at John Paul expectantly, hoping for a response to shed some light on the situation, but as the quiet seconds ticked past she knew she would be disappointed. Shaking her head she turned towards the door.

'Nancy I'm sorry.'

She paused and took in the stricken look on her friend's face, knowing perhaps she had said too much but was nonetheless relieved to have finally gotten it off her chest.

'Don't be.' She sighed 'Just be there tonight. I don't want to spend another summer nursing a dysfunctional group of friends.'

'And John Paul…' there was a softness in her tone now, but an evident desperation in her face 'all this, _whatever _it is. Sort it out. It's not doing you any good.'

He nodded and collapsed onto the bed as the door clicked to behind her. Nancy was absolutely right of course; even through his torment he could see that, but sorting his life out was what he had been attempting to do for the entirety of the past year and now that Craig was back, he just couldn't see it getting any easier.

Craig was back. The phrase had just slipped so easily into his thoughts. Craig was back. Just three little words. But words that had been circulating round and round and round John Paul's mind ever since he clapped his eyes on his erstwhile lover that morning. Laying in the seclusion of his room once again the words resumed their dizzying mission, spinning around faster and faster taunting him, challenging him to decipher some sense from the blur.

Leaning over he pulled an old, familiar photograph out of his drawer. It had been banished from the walls almost a year previously, but its worn corners and visible fingerprints betrayed that the attention it received had not diminished. John Paul stroked a finger over the image of the smiling dark haired boy in the photo and gave a rueful smile.

'What are you doing to me Craig?' he whispered softly 'What the hell are you doing to me?'


	7. Chapter 7

'You look nice love.'

Craig paused in doing his hair and raised his eyebrow as he caught sight of his mother standing behind him in the mirror 'Thanks.'

'You off out?'

'Just meeting Hannah, Nancy and John Paul.'

'Suppose it's a bit funny not having Sarah around as well.' Frankie wondered aloud 'You lot were inseparable last time you were back here.'

Craig frowned slightly in surprise as he realised that since arriving back home, other than her cameos in his frequent trips down John Paul memory lanes, his ex-girlfriend had failed to cross his mind once. Her marginal role in his life now seemed almost ironic given the leading part she had played in keeping him and John Paul apart previously.

Misreading her son's expression for one of sorrow, Frankie smiled sympathetically 'It's ok to miss her you know love.'

Craig sensed it was politic just to nod along; he suspected his mother wouldn't appreciate a commentary on his actual thought process.

'Is there anyone special at the moment?' Frankie asked lightly, squeezing her hands on to his shoulders 'It's just you haven't really mentioned girls from University much.'

'No, there's nobody in Dublin.' His tone was sharp as trying to extricate himself from both her embrace and the conversation.

'Well maybe you could meet somebody here eh? I tell you what, you know Brian who does the beer delivery? He has a daughter, very pretty apparently.'

'Mum, really it's fine I…'

'Sophie I think her name is.' Frankie continued thoughtfully 'Maybe next time he comes in-'

'MUM!' he snapped 'Can you please just drop it?'

Frankie was taken aback by his outburst and made as if to retort but bit her words back at the last second, contenting herself to simply shrug in response as she walked away. She doubted Craig would ever appreciate just how much she had missed him whilst he was away and indeed how much she worried over his evident discontentment with life, but she knew him well enough to know that now was not the time to tackle his ever increasing mood swings.

Craig sighed as she left the room and held his head in his hands; he knew that he shouldn't have jumped down her throat like that but he felt constantly on edge these days and frequently found himself taking it out on those around him. The trigger in that conversation had been his heightened sense of unease as his mother's matchmaking dragged the discussion in a direction he knew he was unready to venture into with her yet.

He glanced back in the mirror and took a deep, calming breath. Perhaps tonight, with a little help from a certain blond haired boy, he could finally start to get his life back together.

Thirty minutes later, Craig was camped out at a table in The Dog with Nancy and Hannah trying to catch up on a year's worth of his friends' lives. He couldn't help but smile as he watched Hannah animatedly describing the two attractive lads she'd served in Drive 'N' Buy earlier in the day. Of them all, it was clear that a year had changed her the most. When Craig had left, Hannah had been in a dark place, following the death of Melissa she had collapsed several times before she realised the true extent of her illness and finally started to get help. She had spent a gruelling year slowly but steadily regaining her health with the help of her friends and family and now she was almost back on her feet and ready to take up her deferred place at HCC in September; not totally cured but improved beyond all recognition from the angry, ailing shadow that Craig had last seen. He felt a twinge of guilt as he realised that the selfish isolation he'd confined himself to in Dublin meant he hadn't played any part in her recovery. But hearing the giggles now emanating from his blond friend he chose to dwell instead on her incredible progress and simply made a vow to himself to be a better friend in future.

Amongst the cacophony of laughter and stories however, there was a conspicuous absence at the table that had not gone unnoticed by any of the friends. Craig had so far restrained himself from enquiring directly after John Paul's whereabouts but he couldn't stop it preoccupying his mind and his eyes belied his agitation as they flicked nervously over to the door every few seconds.

'I'm sure he's on his way.' Nancy burst out finally, exasperated by Craig's incessant monitoring of the entrance.

He feigned disinterest and sipped at his pint 'Yeah don't worry about it.'

'Not like him to be late though is it?' Hannah glanced at her watch 'He did say he was coming didn't he Nance?'

'Erm…he…well…' She scratched thoughtfully at the back of her head.

'Nancy?'

She flashed a confident smile. 'I'm sure he'll be here. Did he say anything to you about it Craig?'

'No, no I didn't get a chance to ask actually. It was just a…a brief meeting…very brief…' he trailed off and returned his full attention to nursing his pint.

'There he is!' Nancy couldn't disguise her relief as she caught sight of John Paul enter the pub and glance around uncertainly looking for his friends.

Craig stared. He couldn't help it. He watched John Paul wend his way through the customers to reach them and felt his heart beat faster as his eyes roamed freely over John Paul's body. His hair looked a little longer than Craig remembered and he swore he could detect traces of brighter blonde glinting in the light, but his face bore the same trademark blue eyes and adorable baby features that Craig knew still wielded an unnatural charm over him. It was his body that seemed to have aged the most; a touch taller, his frame a little broader and his muscles of greater weight. Craig's breath caught in his chest as his eyes lingered on John Paul's upper body and he recalled the feeling of those strong arms wrapped tightly around him, shielding out the rest of the world.

'Alright Guys' John Paul greeted them with a small smile as his gaze scanned the table, pausing involuntarily on Craig. He tore his eyes away as quickly as possible but the damage had already been done; he felt his legs weaken suddenly at the knees as he hurriedly pulled a chair up next to Nancy.

She shot him a grateful look and squeezed his leg gently under the table, wordlessly mouthing 'Thank You' at him for his presence.

'Right I'll get some drinks in shall I?' Craig pushed his chair back and addressed his friends, looking in particular at the newest member of their table.

'Usual John Paul?'

'Usual please.'

They had both piped up in unison and as their eyes met for the first time, they laughed. Genuine laughter that caused the inevitable tension between them to dissipate slightly; their synchronicity serving as a gentle comfort that the passing of time had not diminished the connection between them.

John Paul's eyes followed Craig to the bar, grateful of a chance to be able to survey him from afar. He almost hadn't come tonight. The prospect of an evening in his former lover's company was at once an enticing and terrifying prospect, with the power to ultimately complete or destroy him. But when it came down to it, he knew that Craig's power over him was still too great; he could never turn down an opportunity to be in his presence. And looking at him now, it was all too clear why that was.

The boy can't help it, he's beautiful.

John Paul's thought was tinged with resignation as he sat back and admired. A year had done nothing to ravage Craig's soft features and his slender frame had not succumbed to the usual Freshers' weight gain. His hair was cropped short and the way his shirt clung to his arms suggested that Craig had invested some serious hours in the gym whilst he was away.

John Paul swallowed hard as the object of his attention flashed him a tentative smile and he felt his pulse rate quicken immediately. There and then he made the decision that the most painless way through the evening would simply be alcohol, and lots of it.

Unbeknownst to him, Craig, whose mind had for the past few minutes been filled with the kinds of fantasies that caused beads of sweat to trickle down the back of his neck, made the exact same assessment.

'Err Jack, make that a double would you?'

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8

Thanks for reading and for all the reviews :)

* * *

Forty Five minutes and several rounds of drinks later everybody at the table was feeling substantially more relaxed and inhibitions were draining away faster than their glasses.

'You know Nance, I've never really thought about it before but now that I do think about it, the fact that you're sleeping with my brother…well it's a little weird'

Craig placed his empty glass onto the table and continued in a wide-eyed whisper

'For starters, it means than we've both seen him naked.'

'Craig!' Hannah squealed 'We don't need to know about that.'

'Anyway, when was the last time you saw Jake naked then Craig?' John Paul piped up in amusement.

'Errrm…' Craig narrowed his eyes and stared into the distance, as if straining to pinpoint an exact date.

Shocked, Nancy smacked him lightly on the back of the head to derail his thought process. 'Well I hazard a guess he was substantially less developed than he is now.' She laughed.

Craig shook his head seriously 'Oh I dunno Nance. Us Deans, we're pretty early bloomers.'

Catching the mortified look on Hannah's face, he leaned in close and gave her a little wink 'I can give you a bit of a treat later if you like.'

Hannah looked mortified and buried her head in John Paul's shoulder, who raised a provocative eyebrow at his friend 'I don't know Craig, from what I've heard you haven't got much to shout about.'

Craig waved a drunken finger in John Paul's direction 'Think very carefully McQueen, do you really want me to prove you wrong, right here, in front of the whole pub?'

Despite his inebriated mind screaming Yes, Oh God Yes, John Paul somehow managed to decline 'Better not, don't want you showing me up now do I?'

A satisfied smile played about on Craig's lips 'Not much chance of that' he muttered suggestively as he sank back triumphant into his seat.

'So how many women have you been giving a treat to in Dublin then Craig?'

'Hannah, Hannah, Hannah – a gentleman never tells.' He protested.

'Well that shouldn't be a problem for you then.'

'Okay Okay' he held his hands up and shrugged 'You're right. I admit. A number of Dublin's finest female specimens have fallen prey to the Dean Charm.'

John Paul snorted with derision 'Been sowing your wild oats have you?'

Craig's face fell at his terse tone but the moment of potential tension passed as Nancy burst out into laughter.

'You're one to talk John Paul!'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Well you've hardly been Mr Celibate this year have you?' she teased, shaking her head in disbelief.

'Nance's right' Hannah chipped in 'HCC was like a revelation for you- as if you suddenly realised you weren't the only gay in the village.'

'Like a Gay Buffet I believe you described it once' Nancy said thoughtfully, trying to contain her laughter. 'And you certainly went back for seconds.'

The girls were oblivious through their laughter but John Paul's insides squirmed as he caught sight of Craig's face. His mouth was expressionless but an undeniable mist had descended upon his previously sparkling eyes.

Even through the light haze of alcohol Craig's mind was spinning. He didn't know what he had expected, that John Paul would have been so broken when he left that he vowed to stay single on the off chance that Craig would sort his head out and come back for him? Even Craig knew that was ridiculous. He had just never wanted to contemplate the idea of other men filling the void he left; taking his space in John Paul's heart and, apparently, his bed. He shook his head to try and inject a little realism into his reverie, Hell, for all he knew John Paul could have a boyfriend right now. And it wasn't as though he didn't deserve it.

'Another drink?' John Paul's conciliatory tone interrupted his thoughts and the apologetic smile he flashed him elicited brief upturn in Craig's mood.

'Please' he nodded; for now at least, alcohol would have to provide the respite he needed.

John Paul threw a supportive arm around Hannah as she stumbled up to accompany him to the bar 'Come on you lightweight, some of us can actually handle a few more drinks.'

'Maybe I'll just have some water' she whispered.

John Paul laughed as he regarded her earnest face 'Probably a good idea.'

Craig's face broke into a smile as he watched them giggle together. 'It's great to see Hannah looking so happy. She's had such a rough year.'

Nancy nodded and opened her mouth to speak but stalled as she followed Craig's eye line, noting that despite his concern for Hannah his gaze was fixed unwaveringly on John Paul.

'So has he.'

Craig jerked his head around to face Nancy's inquisitive eyes 'John Paul?'

She nodded again and fixed Craig with a penetrative stare. 'He took it really hard when you left.'

'I missed him too.'

'I've never seen him like that Craig.'

He felt guilt stabbing at his chest and Nancy's accusing eyes burning into him as he looked down at the table. 'You and him seem to have gotten really close.'

'We have. I care about him a lot.'

Craig sighed and raked his hand through his hair 'I never meant for it to happen like this.'

Nancy's interest was piqued, she felt as though she might finally be making some progress and finding some answers but to her frustration their conversation was cut short as the others returned from the bar.

'Right, water for you Han, and for the rest of us…proper drinks.' John Paul grinned setting a variety of drinks and shots down on the table.

Craig grabbed a double shot of vodka from in front of him and raised the glass to his friends 'Here's to us.' He toasted 'It's good to be back.'

He heard his friends echo his sentiments as he knocked the lot back and felt the hot liquid slide unpleasantly down his throat, doing its bit to deliver him to the ultimate escapism he craved.

* * *

Half and hour of hard drinking later Nancy, John Paul and Craig were definitely feeling the effects, with Craig, true to his light weight form, suffering the most. Hannah, having scaled her intake back much earlier simply watched on in amusement.

'Hang on Hang on…' Craig slurred 'I have another toast to make.'

Nancy groaned and her head banged onto the table 'Christ Craig what the hell is left to toast? What number are we onto now John Paul?'

He frowned in drunken concentration 'Not sure. Think I lost count at number seven, right after he toasted the Ryan Air pilot for bringing him safely back to us.'

'That's right.' Craig nodded earnestly 'God bless Tom the Pilot.'

John Paul laughed and patted Craig affectionately on the shoulder 'I'll think we'll leave it at that for toasts then shall we?'

Craig stuck out his bottom lip 'I had a really good one though.'

Nancy rolled her eyes 'Go on then…' She relented

'Thanks Nancy.' Craig turned and gazed at her intently 'No really, thank you. So much. You know whenever anyone else said you were a bit, y'know, wierd, I always said that you were a nice lady. And…' he continued with a solemn nod 'I am exceptionally glad that you're sleeping with my brother.'

'Craig?' John Paul prompted 'The toast? Or can I just drink this now?'

'Ah yes. Right…' Craig paused in thought 'Did I do the Pilot?'

'Yes!'

'Well in that case…' Craig began, heaving himself to his feet 'I would like to propose a toast…to Noel Edmonds.'

'Noel Edmonds?'

'Hannah' Craig chided 'will you just listen please.'

'When I was back in Dublin, I was watching Deal Or No Deal…'

John Paul nodded approvingly 'Like you do.'

'Exactly. And Noel said to this lady Marjorie…' he broke off and furrowed his brow in thought 'It might not actually have been Marjorie but it was definitely something _like_ Marjorie…' he shook his head seriously 'It wasn't Edna.'

By now tears of mirth were rolling uncontrollably down Nancy's cheeks 'Craig, please just get on with it.'

'Right well he said to Marjorie, "Marjorie, this decision might change your life. What do you want to do? Deal or No Deal?" and then it hit me, and I just remember screaming at the telly "No Deal! No Deal! Don't do it Marge!"' By now Craig, oblivious to his ever increasing volume, had grabbed the attention of the rest of the pub as well as his amused friends.

'Because I realised, I don't want to deal. I don't even want to hear what the Banker has to say. Because if you deal, you'll never get what you really want. No, I want to go for it… I. Want. To. Open. My. Boxes.' He punctuated every word with a bang on the table and finished with a dramatic flourish 'And that, my friends, is why I'm here today. With all you beautiful people.'

There was a stunned silence as he took a small bow and sank back contented into his chair which was broken finally by Nancy and Hannah's outburst of helpless laughter and John Paul's spontaneous applause.

'Well I will drink to that!' he grinned

'Err Craig Son, I think maybe you've had enough.' Jack's light Scottish burr broke into their drunken haze as he placed a fatherly arm on Craig's shoulder.

Craig took a second to try and compose his face and tip his friends an unsubtle wink before he turned to his step father 'I think you're absolutely right Jack.' He said as soberly as he could manage. 'We're all just gonna call it a day.'

The older man turned but was only a foot or so from the table when Craig continued in a drunken whisper 'I only said that to get rid of him' he hissed 'As soon as he's gone we'll…'

'Craig' Jack warned

'Yep Jack, just on our way!' Craig raised his voice again and gave an exaggerated yawn 'I am exhausted. Come on John Paul, time for bed!' he winked.

The two boys fell about laughing; too drunk to be offended by the sensitive topic or to realise that nobody else quite got the joke.

Luckily Hannah was sober enough to notice that Jack was finding Craig's behaviour progressively less amusing. 'Don't worry Mr Osbourne, we'll get them both home, they'll be fine.'

'Thanks Hannah, I'd appreciate that.'

'Right Boys.' Nancy announced, grabbing her back and getting to her feet 'Time to move on.'

'Brilliant, can we go to The Loft?' Craig stood up and rubbed his hands together, accidentally knocking his chair over behind him as he did so.

She winced as the furniture crashed to the ground. 'You know, I feel you might not be exactly welcome in your state. And that goes for both of you.' She added as she watched John Paul's face crease in concentration as he tried unsuccessfully to fit his arms into his jacket sleeves.

Craig threw an arm around Nancy's shoulder and gave her his best puppy dog expression 'Could we at least try?' he pleaded.

'Your Dean eyes won't work on me Craig.' She warned 'You forget that I have one of my own at home.'

'Well maybe,' he whispered 'If you take us to The Loft , then you could have two Deans at home with you tonight? How about that eh? Two for one special?' he gave her his best alluring smile.

'I don't think so I'm afraid.' She said shaking her head 'Can't see Jake being too impressed.'

A mischievous smile played about on her lips 'Besides, I'm beginning to think I'm not exactly your type.'

'And what's that supposed to mean Miss Hayton?'

'You figure it out' she shrugged playfully.

'Come on John Paul; I need to prove to Craig that there's no way they'll let him into the Loft in his state.'

'I'm coming.' He muttered, finally admitting defeat with his jacket and tossing it over his shoulder. 'Right let's go.'

The girls walked on ahead and out of the pub finally leaving their friends to battle their inebriation on their own for a few moments. Hannah shivered as a blast of cold air hit them and she pulled her jacket around her.

'Nance, I think I'm just going to head home. I'm exhausted.'

Nancy gave a small smile, it upset her that Hannah still didn't have the energy that she once did but knew she should just be grateful that she was well enough to join them on nights out now. There had been days when that small achievement felt like it might never arrive.

'OK hun, well it was lovely to see you anyway.' She gave her friend a warming hug 'Do you want me to walk you home?'

'Nah it's fine honestly.' She glanced back at the staggering boys behind 'Think you'd be better supervising them!'

Craig had sidled up to John Paul as soon as they'd left the Dog and they'd exchanged a genuine smile. A smile that said regardless of the alcohol, and despite the fact that there were still a million unanswered questions and a painful, passionate history that stood between them, it was just really good to have their best friend back.

'I missed you John Paul.' Craig declared 'I really, really missed you.'

That sort of announcement couldn't fail to raise a smile from John Paul 'Yeah?'

'Absolutely!' Craig grinned 'And you know what else I missed?'

'What?'

'Your arse.' Craig said seriously.

John Paul dissolved into laughter, shaking his head in disbelief.

'What?!' Craig protested.

'It's not my fault…'He leaned drunkenly backwards and snuck what he considered to be a particularly covert look at his friend's backside. 'It's a really good arse John Paul'

'Guys, Hannah's off now' Nancy called.

John Paul looked up with concern 'Don't go on your own Han, I'll walk you back.'

She shook her head 'Really, it's fine. I can't imagine either of you would make me much safer anyway, you can barely look after yourselves.'

He glanced down at himself and smiled sheepishly 'Just text us when you get home ok?'

Hannah nodded and waved as she walked off into the night. Nancy meanwhile was busy rummaging in her bag, evidently looking for something.

'Dammit I think I've left my purse inside' she said glancing up from her search 'You guys go ahead I'll catch you up.'

They walked on in silence, Craig stumbling slightly as the alcohol coursed through his system.

'I can't believe you're still such a lightweight.' John Paul teased, 'I thought a year in Ireland might have had at least hardened you up a bit.'

'Hey, you're not exactly one to talk McQueen, hardly sober as a judge are you?'

'I'm fine!' he protested

'Sure you are. Go on, touch your nose then.'

'Craig that is ridiculous.'

'Just do it!' he demanded 'Humour me.'

John Paul sighed and lifted his hand slowly upwards, face contorted in concentration. He smiled triumphantly as he saw his hand approaching his nose but somehow managed to miss at the last second and jab himself in the eye.

He groaned in pain and fell backwards into the wall as Craig exploded into laughter.

'Oh yeah, you're absolutely fine.' He mocked, stumbling forwards until he came to an abrupt halt as he realised his and John Paul's face were separated by only a few inches of cool night time air.

'I missed you too.' John Paul whispered.

Craig smiled tipsily 'Yeah? And what about my arse?'

'Nah, not so much.'

They grinned as a droplet of silence fell between them and Craig reached up and ran his hands slowly down the younger boy's arms. John Paul blinked quickly as he felt the sparks from Craig's touch surging through him; the sensation was a welcome one but served also to strip a few degrees of inebriation off him and he suddenly became acutely aware of their situation.

'Craig I need to go home.' John Paul gently pushed him away and made to walk back down the alleyway.

'Don't go…' Craig grabbed desperately at his retreating body and catching hold of his hand swung him back around and pulled him into himself. He stared into John Paul's eyes and both boys felt themselves falling helplessly into the orbs of the other; the intensity of their stare such that they didn't see the kiss coming until their lips met with a tenderness that set their spines tingling.

John Paul immediately pulled away, but glancing briefly into Craig's chocolate eyes he saw a desire that he knew he was powerless to walk away from. Dragging him closer he sought Craig's lips and deepened their embrace to a pitch of passion and fever that consumed them both completely.

John Paul felt himself disappear into the other boy for several intense seconds before something deep inside of him snapped, triggering a sequence of painful memories to flash dizzyingly through his mind and he yanked himself away.

'We can't do this Craig' he gasped. 'I just can't…'

'John Paul I'm sorry I…'

'Why are you doing this to me again?' John Paul's previously glistening eyes now showcased a raging torrent of emotion that finally spilled over as sparse tears trickled off his eyelashes and down his cheeks.

'What do you want from me Craig?'

Craig reached out to comfort him, to make him see that he was all he wanted, but John Paul started at the movement of his arm and shook his head. Unable to gaze any longer on Craig's broken face John Paul turned and ran. Away from his past, away from his future, away from Craig. And he didn't look back.

Craig stood stunned for several seconds, before he felt his legs crumple beneath him and he fell to his knees slumped against the wall. His mind was numb to all thought; all he could see in his mind was John Paul's face as broke their kiss; terrified, confused, hurt. The expression of a boy whose fragile heart had been treated carelessly one too many times.

'Craig?' a soft voice caused him to look up into the face of the girl now standing over him.

He didn't know how long she'd been standing there but the look in Nancy's eyes suggested she had seen all she needed to and he sank exhausted into her open arms.


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks so much for all the feedback!

* * *

'Come on, we'll go back to mine for a bit' Nancy helped a shaking Craig to his feet slowly 'You're going to have to be quiet though, I don't want to wake Charlie.'

He nodded and shot her a grateful smile 'Thanks Nance'

They walked back through the village in silence, both having so much to think about, but for now, curiously little to say. As soon as they made it back upstairs and into the flat Craig collapsed on to the sofa, his face creased up in pain at the intense headache that was already wracking his weary body.

He had sobered up in so far as he'd undoubtedly crashed from his emotional high but his body seemed determined that he should pay for his excessive alcohol another way, and as though his ordeal with John Paul had sped up the process his head was now pulsating with a mammoth hangover.

Nancy rolled her eyes as she surveyed his sorry state and, leaving him to it, went to busy herself in the kitchen.

She returned five minutes later to Craig's motionless form and thrust a plate into his hand.

'Here, eat this.'

He silently studied the food in front of him and raised a sceptical eyebrow 'Bread and Honey?'

'Trust me, you'll feel better.' Setting a large glass of water and two paracetemol on the table in front of him, Nancy curled up the other sofa and gave him an expectant look.

Conceding he didn't have any better ideas Craig took the painkillers and tucked into his food, plunging the pair into further minutes of heavy silence. Watching carefully as he polished off the last crumb, Nancy was unwilling to shelve the discussion any longer.

'So. You and John Paul…'

Craig winced as her voice brought him crashing back to reality. 'I'm sorry you had to find out like that Nance.'

'Doesn't matter' She shrugged 'I was already starting to piece it together to be honest.'

'That obvious huh?'

She gave a rueful smile 'Let's just say it explains more than a few things.'

Craig nodded his understanding but offered nothing more. Much as he knew Nancy deserved some answers he just didn't feel capable of formulating anything independently.

'That kiss…' she continued 'It wasn't the first…?'

He shook his head no.

'So before you went to Dublin…?'

Craig nodded again 'For a few months, yeah'

Nancy's eyes widened in surprise. 'And now?' she ventured tentatively

'Now…' Craig let the word linger in the air as his head dropped back onto the arm of the chair.

'Now, I have absolutely no idea.' He admitted.

Over at the McQueen house John Paul lay on his bed attempting to get his still alcohol addled brain to make sense of what had just happened. 24 hours ago his life was simple; a little empty perhaps but indisputably simpler. Now however, questions, mysteries and complications abounded.

Why was Craig back? What the hell did he want? What the hell was he thinking kissing him? Why the hell had he stopped kissing him?

John Paul screwed his face up in frustration and tried to reduce it down to some basics. He loved Craig. He supposed it was best to admit that first. Despite his very best efforts, he still loved Craig Dean.

It sounded so simple when you put it like that and in a way he supposed it was. He didn't have to work at loving Craig, there had been nothing to nurture it over the past year and sometimes he almost forget the feelings were still there. The love wasn't an outspoken one, it was just…necessary and over the time he had known Craig it had become as much a part of John Paul as his own eyes. He could learn to live with it, but he knew it would never go away.

All of this however did little to help his present situation and in desperation John Paul reached into a box under his bed to try and glean some help from the last concrete, sober insight he had into Craig's state of mind. The day after he'd had left for Dublin a letter had arrived for John Paul, postmarked in Chester, that guaranteed Craig had the last word in their protracted goodbye.

Tracing his hand over the worn paper he wondered why he had even bothered getting it out; some things in life become so familiar that they're etched indelibly into your brain and he knew that this was one of them…

_John Paul_

_,By the time you read this I'll have left and we'll have said goodbye. Writing this as I am a few hours before I leave for the airport I have no idea what will have passed between us by this point. I hope it was good, I hope it gave us some closure and I hope I manage to tell you how much you mean to me. Most of all I hope I haven't just made a total ass of myself. But knowing me as I do, I feel the most likely of these is the latter. Partly this is because I'm generally just not very good with my feelings, partly it's because I hate goodbyes in general, but mostly I know it's because when I'm standing in front of you my brain tends not to be the organ that's in the driving seat. (I meant my heart, you dirty sod)_

_This is why I'm writing down all the things I probably didn't get a chance to say. First I need to thank you. For opening my eyes in a million different ways and exposing my bland, sheltered life to a world in glorious technicolour, and taking me to a place where my feelings and emotions were heightened to a point where I finally felt alive. I know that, more often than not, at least a part of me hated you at the time but I also know that in the same irritating way that mothers tend to be right, I'm sure I will come to realise one day that everything you ever did was the best for me. You have given me so much over the past year (and received on occasion…Ha, sorry, couldn't resist) and I'm leaving with you with my mind almost bursting with things I need to figure out in my head. Trains of thought that you have started and I need to finish. I wish more than anything that I could stay here and work through them with you but I know that I'm just strong enough._

_That brings me to the second thing I need to do, which is apologise. I'm Sorry for leaving you, for being too weak to stay, too weak to ever tell anyone about my feelings for you. In fairness McQueen, you're a tough act to follow. I don't think there are many people in the world who could have confronted their feelings with such courage and faced up to the prejudiced idiots of the world with the dignity that you did. Especially when one of them was supposed to be your best mate! Ha…too soon to joke? Yeah I sensed that. And that leads me on to my final sorry, which is for the way in which I've treated you. When I look back over some of the things I've done and said to you in the past months I barely even recognise myself and to this moment I can't understand how you stood by me as much as you did. I'm sorry for the way I pushed you away, the way I promised time and time again that I'd finish with Sarah and couldn't, the way that I came running back to you every time I needed you because I knew that the love you had for me, a love which I've done nothing to deserve, meant that you would never say no. And I'm sorry that even at the end of all that I still couldn't give you what you wanted. I guess I should've walked away earlier, saved us some of this pain, but I couldn't. Your love was a pretty damn powerful drug McQueen. _

_Which brings me to another reason why I have to leave. There's someone out there who's more worthy of you than I ever was, and maybe ever will be. I want you to go out and find this person John Paul and finally have the happiness that you of all people deserve. Love isn't meant to be this hard. _

_In all of this I've failed to mention that I love you. But I do. The words look kind of insignificant now scrawled out on this paper and I guess they ring somewhat hollow now that I'm leaving you but I need you to trust that they're true. That I love you, I have done for a long time and shall continue to do so. I just hope one day I can come to terms with what that means._

_Thank you for being the best mate I've ever had and so much more._

_Love, Craig._

As John Paul's eyes scanned over the final words he tossed the letter aside, any hopes he had of finding answers disappointed. Sure there were suggestions, hints even, but when it came down to it, the voice in the letter was a year out of date and he could only hazard a guess at what had changed in that time.

No, he concluded, the only one who could answer why Craig had walked back into his life was the boy whose lips had tonight made him feel alive, momentarily at least, for the first time in months. John Paul sighed as laid his head down onto the pillow, resigned to the fact that sleep would evade him for many hours to come.


	10. Chapter 10

Really glad you enjoyed the last chapter, here's some more! Thanks for reading and especially to all those who took the time to review :)

* * *

Half an hour later Craig was still ensconced on Nancy's couch, having been gently prodded and probed until bit by bit he had provided her with a sparse account of his and John Paul's saga from the very beginning. 

It hadn't been easy on either of them. Craig, not wanting to break down again, relayed the story in an almost detached fashion, trying desperately not to reconnect with the raw emotions he felt at the time. The more intimate the moment he recounted, the more distant he found the narrative becoming.

Nancy on the other hand was forced to exercise her greatest self restraint throughout.

Some of what she heard made her want to scream at Craig, hit him, punish him for what he had done. For all the lies he had told her, for the pain he caused, for his selfishness and cowardice, for the web of deceit he had cast and forced all of his friends to live through. And above all for the months of betrayal he had subjected Sarah to.

But she held it back. No doubt there would be a time for such recriminations in the future, but she knew this wasn't it. Something in Craig's tortured face as he spoke made it impossible for her to add to his suffering and there was as remoteness in his eyes that suggested he wouldn't even hear her if she did. His mind, his heart, his whole self was somewhere else; somewhere where he could dwell on all the details he had left out to Nancy, the details that had defined them.

And as she regarded him now all she could feel was pity.

'You must be exhausted. You can stay here tonight if you like.'

He glanced up but it was almost as though he hadn't heard her. 'You know I've never told anyone all that before.'

'Nobody in Dublin even?' she asked gently

He shook his head 'Not really. I've sort of talked about it in the abstract. But it was different, they didn't understand. They didn't know John Paul'

'It must have been hard.'

'I guess.' He shrugged 'I mean, it was but I never really looked at it like that. It was my punishment you know? I deserved to feel like that.'

Nancy's eyes softened 'Craig we all make mistakes. We don't have to pay for them forever.'

'It all sounds different when I say it out loud.' He mused 'I never realised…it's like seeing it through someone else's eyes. I'm looking down and I can see me and John Paul standing there and we're just mates and we're laughing and joking and I look in my eyes and I can see it, I can see that I'm falling in love with him. But at the time I had no idea.'

'Or I see us all out and I'm with Sarah and she's all over me, kissing me and holding my hand and I look in John Paul's face and I get it. I finally see it and it kills me because at the time I just didn't really understand.'

Craig suddenly looked up, as if he'd just realised where he was 'Sorry Nance' he muttered 'I didn't mean to…'

'Craig it's ok'

'No it's not, I don't want you to think I want sympathy or anything.'

Nancy smiled 'I don't think that, but if it makes you feel better I promise not to give you any. To be honest I'm just glad I finally know.'

'Yeah?'

She nodded 'It all makes the mysterious mind of John Paul McQueen seem far more comprehensible. Besides, I don't like secrets'

As if the mention of John Paul's name had somehow reawakened him, Craig's eyes suddenly came rushing back to the present and he got up agitatedly from his seat. 'I need to go and talk to him.'

'John Paul?' Nancy looked confused 'Now?'

'I have to see him. I need to apologise, to explain.'

'Craig it's nearly 3 o'clock in the morning' she reasoned softly 'Why don't you just stay here tonight then see him tomorrow?'

'Nance I'm not going to be able to sleep until I talk to him.' He predicted her next objection and cut in before she could raise it 'He'll still be awake too.'

'How do you know?'

He gave a small shrug 'I just do.'

Sense told her to dispute it, but after everything she'd heard tonight it suddenly didn't seem so far fetched that Craig should know his friend down to the detail of his sleep patterns.

'Just be gentle with him yeah?'

Craig nodded and made his way to the front door 'Oh and Nancy, thank you.'

'What for?'

'Everything. For listening, for not judging, for the paracetemol…' he gave her a cautious smile 'For not punching me like I know you want to.'

Nancy laughed gently as she narrowed her eyes 'Plenty of time for that Dean. Plenty of time.'

* * *

Craig's prediction that he was not yet asleep had been right and in the same way John Paul's hunch that he might yet be seeing Craig that night was proved correct, but it didn't make him feel any more prepared for it. Indeed Craig had even text on his way over to warn of his visit but it didn't stop the younger boy starting slightly as the soft knock sounded from his front door.

They stared at each other momentarily as the door swung open.

'You sobered up then?' It wasn't the opener that John Paul had planned but it was the only inspiration his suddenly tired mind could come up with.

'Yeah. Nancy she gave me this…'

'Bread and honey?'

Craig's tense face broke into a smile 'How did you know?'

'She swears by the stuff. Practically forces it down my throat after every time we go out at college.' John Paul gave a sceptical laugh 'Don't know that it does much good mind, still feel rough as hell in the morning.'

Silence fell between the two as their stilted small talk came to a grinding halt and the inevitable tension from the evening's events saturated the air. John Paul leant heavily on the sofa as he braced himself for Craig's words that he knew would eventually break the quiet. It needed to be him, they both knew that, he had gotten them into this mess.

'You know I was trying to think of what to say all the way over here. I had a great speech prepared and everything.'

'Yeah? How did that go?'

Craig laughed nervously 'Can't remember a word of it.'

He watched John Paul's face carefully, glad to see that after a year he could still read it like a book. Less happy however to see that the current mood was frustration; liable at any second to turn to anger.

'Sorry.' He began 'I'm sorry for tonight…That was the gist of the speech anyway.' Craig trailed off to a mutter as John Paul made no moves to respond.

'I had no right to do what I did…' he wrung his hands in distracted agitation 'To put you in that position. I just left, and some of the things I did…I know that they were unforgivable. For all I know you have a boyfriend, and I can't just waltz back into your life and expect for things…for us…to be the same as they were. I know it's not that easy.' Coming abruptly to a halt he fell back onto the arm of a chair and rested his head into his hand.

'I don't.' John Paul broke the silence as his eyes lifted finally and met Craig's confused gaze. 'Have a boyfriend, that is.'

Craig's relived smile at this was short lived.

'But it doesn't make the rest of what you said any less true.' He spat. 'Have you any idea what this year was like for me?'

Craig shook his head 'I'm sorry' he whispered.

'Yeah so you said.' John Paul's voice was quiet but trembling with anger 'But whilst you ran away from here to find yourself, away from me, away from the all memories. I was stuck, in what was supposed to be one of the most exciting years of my life, having to pretend to everyone that I was fine because nobody even knew that I'd just had my heart ripped out and stamped on by the boy who swore he loved me.'

Craig's eyes filled with tears of exhaustion 'It didn't work you know, running away. All the memories, all the feelings, they were still there. You were still there.'

'Oh well I didn't realise, I'm so sorry Craig. God, that must have been so hard for you.' John Paul's whole body shook with suppressed emotion as he squared up to Craig's cowering form.

'You know I didn't mean it like that.' he murmured gently. 'I understand if you hate me, believe me I've probably hated myself more… But I can't change the past. Much as I might want to'

John Paul slumped backwards as all the anger suddenly seemed to drain out of him and he could do no more than stand and stare as Craig grasped desperately at words to try and explain himself.

'As for tonight…' Craig's pleading eyes boring into the boy before him 'It was just seeing you again, being so close to you, having everything I've dreamt of this past year right in front of me…I couldn't handle it. I never meant to hurt you John Paul.'

Exasperated by John Paul's stoic stance, Craig got up and his voice rose in frustration as he raked his hand viciously through his hair. 'Don't you think that if I could've stayed way I would have?' he demanded 'Don't you even want to know why I've come back?'

A tear trickled down his flushed cheek as John Paul nodded slowly 'Course I do. But I…I can't…I can't do this now' he stammered 'I'm so tired Craig…it's too much.'

Craig reached out towards him and silently brushed a tear from his face.

'It's late, I should get home.' He turned and started towards the door before a trembling voice from behind stopped him at the last second.

'Wait, don't go.'

Craig span around and gazed into the pleading eyes that were now barely a metre from him.

'Don't leave. Stay with me, please.' His voice was scarcely a whisper. 'I'm not pretending everything's fine, I just need you here'

'Are you sure?'

John Paul nodded 'We can just…sleep.'

Craig smiled and laced their fingers together as the younger boy led them gingerly upstairs.

John Paul shut his bedroom door quietly behind them and the boys shared a moment of awkwardness as they shyly stripped to their underwear and crawled under the covers. Craig's heart was pounding as he lay in total darkness, separated from John Paul by several inches of cold empty bed and seemingly paralysed to close the gap. Seconds later however he felt a tentative hand snake around his waist and pull him gently backwards. He exhaled heavily as he took hold of John Paul's trembling hands and brought them close together until their whole bodies were wrapped up in each other and they melted slowly into their sleeping position of old.


	11. Chapter 11

A huge thank you for all the reviews, it's so lovely to get feedback like that :) This chapter was a bit of a nightmare, lots of rewrites etc, I couldn't quite capture the sort of messy disjointed-ness about their conversation when they both had so much to say. I'm fairly happy with it now but as always, reviews and all feedback is great!

* * *

There was warmth surrounding his body and an insistent but gentle beating on to his back that Craig momentarily couldn't place as his eyelids fluttered open. Squinting as he adjusted to the light a contented smile crept over his face as glanced down to see John Paul's arms still wrapped tightly around him and felt his warm breath tickle at his ear. He soon recognised the beating as that of the younger boy's heart and as Craig lay and felt every pulse he knew that the comfort and peace of it could all too easily lull him back into slumber.

'Morning.'

Craig jerked his head around in surprise at the husky voice which broke into his thoughts and immediately sought contact with the bright blue orbs that he knew lay behind him, smiling shyly as they reached their destination.

'Hey' he whispered. 'I thought you were still asleep.'

'No, just didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful.'

John Paul placed a single, chaste kiss onto Craig's shoulder before releasing his hands from around his waist and slowly getting out of the bed. Flinging his wardrobe door open, he quickly selected some jeans and a stripy top and began to dress himself.

A smirk played around on Craig's lips as he watched John Paul linger in just his jeans

'Well there's a sight I've missed.'

John Paul smiled uncomfortably under Craig's gaze as he hurriedly threw his top on and opened the bedroom door. 'I'm going to go and put the kettle on. Help yourself to a shower or whatever if you want one.'

Craig gave an uncertain nod as the door banged shut and he was left alone with his thoughts. Laying his head back on to the pillow he exhaled heavily and hoped desperately that the best night's sleep he'd had in ages wouldn't serve simply to drive the two of them further apart.

* * *

Twenty minutes later he made his way silently downstairs, pausing for a second on the bottom step as he watched John Paul sat at the kitchen table playing distractedly with the cuff of his jumper. Craig felt as though he could stand there like that for ever, staring at his friend, mesmerised by the evident plethora of emotions playing across his face, but a sudden creak of the floorboard too soon alerted John Paul to his presence.

He flashed him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. 'Cup of tea?'

'Yeah, thanks,'

Craig sat himself down at the table as John Paul got up, evidently glad of an excuse to keep busy and avoid conversation.

'Your house seems quiet' Craig observed lightly 'Very un-McQueen-like.'

'Mum, Michaela and Carmel have gone away for a bit. Tina's with Dom, Jacqui's at Tony's' John Paul explained, his eyes never diverting from the task at hand. 'Our Mercedes is around somewhere but I think I heard her go out early this morning.'

'Right.' Craig had barely been listening; too busy wondering at the tension crackling from John Paul's oddly stiff body. And as he set the mug down on the table, Craig reached out for his hand but John Paul snatched it away.

They stared steadily at each other; a fusion of apology and confusion plunging them into silence as Craig sat back in his seat.

'Maybe I shouldn't have stayed over.'

'No, I'm glad you did.' John Paul gave a small smile 'Best sleep I've had in ages.'

'Do you want me to go?' Craig offered, scraping his chair back.

He shook his head. 'I just…I wish it hadn't felt so right.' John Paul groped for words to adequately explain his state of mind 'Or maybe… I wish that it were simpler, that I could just let it all fall back into place.'

Glancing up and reading Craig's hopeful expression he gave a rueful smile. 'I can't do that Craig. That's what I've just been sat here reminding myself for the past twenty minutes.'

'Last year, what I went through…I can't do that again.'

Craig nodded as his eyes dropped ashamedly to the floor 'I know.'

'I don't know that you do.' John Paul's voice wasn't angry, merely insistent as he reached across the table and lifted Craig's head to meet his gaze. 'I mean I physically, mentally don't think I can take it'

'I've changed a lot since you've been away, I've gotten stronger – I had to. But I'm still not strong enough for that.'

'For what?' Craig's voice was quiet with hesitation, or perhaps it was fear.

'You'

Their eyes locked across the table and as that single word was uttered Craig felt as though he'd been punched repeatedly in the stomach, his breath caught in his chest and he blinked repeatedly; urging away the familiar pricking sensation at the back of his eyes.

'You Craig.' He repeated softly 'What you do to me. I can already feel myself falling for you all over again, deeper and deeper and if we do this…if I let this happen, then I already know that come September when you go running back to your new life, back to your safe little world of make-believe, my heart's going to shatter like last time. And it won't hurt any less'

A single tear escaped Craig's brimming eyes but he brushed it roughly away. 'Is that what you think this is about?'

'I'm not prepared to sneak around Craig, to be your summer fling. I'm not prepared for you to throw me scraps of attention and for that to be ok.' John Paul couldn't disguise the bitterness in his voice. 'I won't be your boy adventure in between Dublin's finest women.'

'Is that why you're angry?' Craig yelled, his frustration forcing him to quickly lose sight of what was really at stake 'Because I've been with women? Because from what Nancy said it's hardly as though you've been keeping your hands to yourself' he spat.

John Paul gave a harsh sardonic laugh 'Jesus Craig, I think a lecture on fidelity is a bit rich, even for you.' His eyes grew cold as his voice rose to meet Craig's 'But now you mention it yeah, there were men, boyfriends even. I think you'll find it's standard practice when you're trying to get over someone.'

There was a prolonged moment of quiet, during which time John Paul paced agitatedly around his kitchen sending persistent glances of frustration at Craig's stoic, seated form.

'There were men too.'

John Paul came to an abrupt standstill 'What?'

'In Dublin. There were men too.' Craig whispered 'Probably not Dublin's finest…but men nonetheless.'

John Paul sank down into a chair, his face a mask of curiosity and confusion.

'Wh…Why?

'I had to know John Paul, I loved you but, I needed to figure out what…'

'What it means.' John Paul interrupted quietly, his eyes lifting to stare into Craig's tear stained face 'I love you…I just hope that one day I can come to terms with what that means' he recited.

Craig's eyes flickered with recognition 'The letter…you read it?'

'Yeah…' A soft laugh escaped John Paul's lips 'Just a bit.'

'I didn't know. You never replied…'

'No, I'm sorry. Couldn't really find the words.'

Craig nodded his understanding, he knew how many times he'd picked up the phone or paper and a pen only to be defeated by the total dearth of words to try and express the mess in his head. Perhaps it was a linguistic rebellion against all things illogical, but to Craig the English language had never seemed so small and inadequate as when he was trying to explain why even the most all consuming love just wasn't quite enough. And Hallmark has yet to find a card that quite captures it either.

John Paul gazed intently at Craig, wondering quite where his mind wandered to when his usual verbosity was suddenly consumed by silence as it was now. He grazed his thumb slowly across Craig's hand, trying to coax him back to the present.

'And do you know now? Do you know what it means?'

Craig nodded slowly as his eyes jerked instantaneously back to life and came to rest, utterly absorbed, on John Paul's expectant face.

'I like boys. Other boys. They affect me like girls can. And when I realised this, I thought I'd figured it all out and I thought I'd feel better, but I didn't, not really. There wasn't a glorious moment of reckoning or a blinding revelation…it was like I hadn't learnt anything new.'

He glanced up and screwed his face up in frustration as John Paul's confused expression confirmed that his ramblings were doing little to clarify what was between them. He took a deep breath and drew comfort from the encouragement that John Paul's soft eyes was struggling desperately to provide.

'I thought that me liking boys was what loving you meant – that because I loved you, I was capable of liking other boys. But I finally realised that I'd been looking at it wrong for months, it doesn't mean that all. My… bisexuality, or whatever you want to call it, it's totally incidental.'

'What are you trying to say?' John Paul's voice cracked as he spoke and Craig reached out immediately to grasp his hand.

'I like boys John Paul…but I _love_ you.' He fought back the tears that were threatening to fall and took hold of John Paul's other hand with trembling fingers 'And when I stopped letting that scare me for just one second, I knew how simple it was. It means the same as love always does, it means I smile when I'm with you, I ache for you when I'm not, I dream about you at night, I want to be near you all the time and when I am with you all I can think about is reaching out to hold you…It means I can't be without you.'

'You wanted to know why I came back John Paul…I came back for you.'

An exhilarating rush of relief swept through Craig as he said it and the corners of his mouth curved involuntarily upwards. 'And maybe it's crazy, maybe you can't forgive me, maybe you love somebody else…but I had to come. I had to tell you. And I'm not going anywhere because even if I can't be with you, then being near you is enough. And it's probably all I deserve.'

Craig came finally to a breathless halt but instead of the tearful reunion that he had begun to allow himself to hope for, only a painful silence pervaded the air. John Paul's expression was blank, his eyes downcast, and as the quiet seconds ticked slowly by, the sparkle that had lit up Craig's face ebbed away, replaced by an increasingly suffocating mist. As he finally felt the grip of John Paul's hands slacken on his own there was nothing to stem the flow of tears that fell freely down Craig's cheeks.

'You don't love me?' he croaked.

John Paul's eyes darted suddenly upwards but the darkness in them made Craig almost wished they hadn't. 'Don't be ridiculous.'

His voice was slow and measured and his body shook with the effort of restraint 'You have no idea how much I want to believe you Craig, to believe every word you just said. Even the thought that it might be true makes me want to hold you until you think I might never let go.'

John Paul lifted Craig's chin with his finger until their fearful gazes met, each seeking support from the other. 'But I've heard it all before. And I'm scared…' he whispered 'Terrified even. Of how strong my feelings are.'

'So I need you to go. And don't come back to me until you've stopped pretending to the rest of the world…until you're ready to love me completely.'

'But how will I know when I'm ready?'

Avoiding the desperation in Craig's eyes John Paul drew strength into his voice from reserves he didn't know he had and delved deep into their history for answers.

'Sooner or later I'm gonna grab you and I'm gonna kiss you, I'm not gonna care who's around to see it…' he repeated quietly 'That's as true for me today as it ever was Craig. And when you can say the same, we can talk.'

Craig stared at him in abject desperation as the implications of John Paul's challenge sank in 'Please don't do this…I swear I meant everything I said but I don't know that I can do this without you…'

John Paul looked away, needing every fibre of his resolve not to simply cradle the shaking boy in his arms and renege on everything he just demanded, but he felt a curious combination of horror and power as he eventually stood strong.

'I can't help you Craig…not now.'

He strode over to the front door and held it open as Craig got wordlessly from his seat and stared resolutely at the ground as he made his way out. As his foot crossed the threshold John Paul relented a fraction and, catching him by the arm, murmured all the comfort he felt capable of.

'I'll wait for you.'

But the tear that trickled off Craig's dark lashes as he said it confirmed that it was precious little consolation.


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks so much for all your lovely reviews, I'm really glad you're enjoying the story :) After all the talking in thelast chapter I thought we'd just go inside their heads for a bit...

* * *

He wasn't sure why he was crying. He seemed to spend half his life doing it these days but usually he could articulate a reason or a single feeling at least. Yet as he sat in the quiet solitude of his lounge, with silent tears drowning his cheeks, he couldn't quite put his finger on what drove them from his eyes.

It wasn't sadness or grief particularly. Maybe it was fear, scared as he was that the boy he'd just sent away may never return to him. Terrified that his display of reckless resolve might have driven happiness away for good.

Maybe there was an element of joy to his tears. Craig had said things today that he'd only ever heard uttered in dreams before. And there had been a sincerity in his face that touched John Paul even now as he recalled it behind eyes squeezed tightly shut.

Or perhaps it was just exhaustion.

But there was something else, another feeling and three little words that had been intruding persistently on his thoughts. He shook his head, closed his eyes, willed them away. But they persevered.

Guilt. He felt it, in a place deep inside himself that he didn't particularly care to look. He saw Craig's face; broken, pleading, childlike in its vulnerability. And he heard his own voice; cold, resolute, dismissive even.

'I can't help you Craig…not now.'

It echoed around his mind and mingled in grating union with the words that he didn't want to admit had motivated his resolve.

Anger. Resentment. Punishment.

Everything he had told Craig was true; he did love him and he was scared. The thought that he might get messed around again, that he would only ever be a secret tryst in Craig's relationship history tore relentlessly at his heart. He just needed something concrete before he could let himself fall, he needed something to believe in.

And he desperately wanted to say that that was the whole story, that his motivation was that pure.

But the words persisted

He loved Craig. But he was still angry. He couldn't be without him, didn't even want to imagine a life like that. But he still resented the pain he'd been through. He knew nobody would ever compare to Craig. But he still wanted to punish him.

And for the first time in John Paul's life the line between love and hate seemed perilously fragile.

He supposed after all he had been through his reaction was natural, but it felt weak, and already he regretted having acted upon it so rashly. Almost regretted it enough to pick up the phone and take it all back.

_Almost_.

He was only human after all.

* * *

Of all the things to be upset at as he trudged home, Craig settled on the weather. It was raining; grey, miserable persistent rain. But it wasn't that he didn't like the wet, it was just that he hated the cliché.

The whole idea of pathetic fallacy had always irritated him ever since he had discovered it during Year 9 English. He found the notion that the weather should suit a person's mood to be both ridiculous in its simplicity and totally incongruous. Everyone knows that the happiest moods are those that endure through the wind and rain and that nothing deepens melancholy like a relentlessly insensitive sun beating down through your gloom.

Craig sighed heavily as he sat down on a wet bench and concluded that actually, what irritated him the most, were people obsessing over trivial matters to try and keep the bigger problems from their mind.

It never worked. It wasn't working now.

John Paul's rejection of him still stung in a way that made him physically wince whenever he carelessly let his mind linger on it and any subsidence in the pain was replaced only by trepidation as he contemplated what needed to be done to win him back.

He always knew it would come down to this, he had prepared himself for it before he even left Ireland, but although he might never admit it out loud he had always imagined John Paul by his side as he did it.

The implication of this made him feel a little sick. He had just never really believed that John Paul would refuse him. The sheer arrogance of it was galling and he hated that he had ever credited John Paul with so little self respect as to assume he would just jump as Craig clicked his fingers.

It was at moments like this that the nagging worry of whether he even deserved John Paul was at its most unrelenting.

But for now, he had a greater worry on his mind. Confronting his family, finally coming clean had only ever been of secondary concern when he considered his return home. It was naïve, he realised that now, but any thoughts of what his future held had been so clouded by thoughts of a reunion with John Paul that he had failed to focus on what it would take to get him there. And as he sat, alone, knowing that the support he craved was never going to arrive, the enormity of what he had to do finally hit home.

He couldn't just arrive at his house with John Paul, offering a smiling united front and let their obvious togetherness do all the talking. He couldn't accidentally let his mother walk in on them in an intimate moment to break the ice. He couldn't even do what he was ashamed to admit had previously crossed his mind and let John Paul explain their relationship.

Instead he was going to have to sit down with his mum and find a way to put into words something that he could barely articulate in his own mind.

I'm in love with another man.

Even in his head it sounded alien, like someone else had hi-jacked his thoughts. It wasn't him, it just wasn't the sort of thing Craig Dean said.

I'm in love with John Paul.

That, on the other hand, he could hear and the voice that was undoubtedly his own. It sounded nice, normal, comforting even. But he had a feeling that, even repeated until he was blue in the face, that single statement would fail to provide the answers his family were likely to demand

Craig was aware of very little around him as he wandered through the village back to his home. He wondered if it was better to plan exactly what he wanted to say, or just see how the moment struck him and go from there, but suspected there was simply no good way to break this news.

'Craig, where on earth have you been?'

He glanced up, surprised to find himself already back in his own living room and facing his evidently irritated mother.

'What?'

'You never came home last night, I was worried sick.' She scolded.

'Sorry' he muttered 'I stayed at John Paul's, I just didn't think…'

Frankie rolled her eyes 'You're not at Uni anymore love, I'm your mother, it'd be nice to be kept informed.'

'I know, sorry' he repeated quietly, dropping his jacket over the back of a chair and returning his gaze to his mother.

'Actually Mum, there's something I wanted to talk to you about…'

'Is it important? Only I promised Jack I'd give him a hand downstairs.'

'Oh, yeah don't worry, it's fine, you go…'

As soon as the words escaped his mouth he felt a familiar stab of guilt and realised that it wasn't telling them that scared him most, it was not being able to. The prospect of John Paul's disappointed face caused an acute pain all of its own.

'Mum, sorry, actually it really is important.'

Frankie turned at the sound of his plea, her expression of irritation morphing immediately into one of concern as one glance at his face told her that this couldn't wait.

'What is it Craig?' she asked gently 'You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders'

He sat down silently at their kitchen table and exhaled heavily, fixing his eyes on his hands as he knotted his fingers together in agitation.

'I've been through a lot this past couple of years...I've changed, grown up, and I'm not the same person that I used to be…' he sighed as the words failed to bring the clarity he hoped for.

'I mean I'm still me, but I think I just know myself better now. Especially since going to Dublin…' he swallowed hard, desperately trying to conquer the trembling in his voice 'When I went there I felt like I had all these things to figure out in my head but I did that, I thought about it all, so much, and everything's much clearer and I think I can really be happy…'

'Frankie, we're packed, are you coming down to help?' Jack's head popped around the door, but he stopped short as he picked up on the anxious looks passing from mother to son.

'Yeah, I'll be down in a minute.'

He shot her an apologetic glance 'Sorry, don't rush…I didn't realise…' he gestured briefly towards Craig's tense form and turned to leave.

'What were you saying Craig?' her voice was soft as she surveyed him, trying in vain to work out what was behind all the anguish evident in his eyes 'Carry on…'

He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat before he resumed, trying to pick every word carefully, fearful of when the message would finally start to sink in.

'So yeah, I think I can finally be happy, and that's really important…You always said all you ever wanted was for us to be happy…and I will be, but the thing is…'

'Darren would you just stop! There's no way I'm going to buy Zoe's birthday present for you…' Steph came to an abrupt standstill as she burst into the room, closely followed by Darren who, surprised by her sudden halt, almost tripped over her.

'Oh what's all this then?' Darren grinned as he took in the scene before him 'Finally coming clean about his suspicious return is he?'

'Shut up Darren.' Steph's gaze rested on Craig's frustrated face as sat back in his seat, tossing his hands behind his head in defeat before pushing the chair sharply away from him.

'It doesn't matter' he snapped 'We'll talk later.'

He disappeared into the peace of his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him and collapsing on to the bed. In his weary mind all he could see was John Paul's face; he looked hurt, upset, disappointed…but not surprised. And that was what killed Craig the most. He had failed, but it was no less than John Paul had come to expect.

A soft knock at the door interrupted his reverie.

'Go away.'

Another knock, and a gentle enquiry 'Craig?'

'Please, just leave me alone.'

Despite his protestations he heard the sound of the door handle turning and a shaft of light from the lounge lit up his dark room. A whisper of a voice greeted him, but it was not the one he expected.

'Craig…' she murmured '…I know.'

'What?'

He looked up from his bed in confusion but as his eyes met Steph's tentative gaze, he knew immediately what it was that she knew. And just for a second, he couldn't breathe.


	13. Chapter 13

Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing, it's always lovely to read them :) Much lovelier than HO is to watch at the moment anyway - I don't think I can cry any more!

* * *

'Wh..what?' Craig sat bolt upright in bed and exhaled heavily, desperately trying to lessen the racing pace of his heart.

'Craig it's ok, I just…' She reached out to his trembling body but he backed away, shaking his head in disbelief.

'But… how?' he whispered 'I mean…what did…did he…?' Craig's eyes screwed up with fear as he uttered the name that he knew changed everything.

'J…John Paul?'

Steph gave a small nod 'It's not his fault…'

_It had been three weeks since Craig's departure and John Paul was struggling. The first of these had undoubtedly been the worst, during the second he had felt a marked improvement in his coping and temperament but the third, for no discernable reason, had bought the world come crashing back in and it was as though he was back to square one._

_What he desperately needed was somewhere to direct it at. The anger, the pain, the loneliness, it all needed a focus. He was sick of taking it out on people that didn't understand and walls that didn't respond. Unfortunately the correct focus of all this had sodded off to Dublin._

_It was this desire that explained why John Paul found himself hanging around in The Dog on a Thursday afternoon waiting for an opportunity when the flat above was empty to let himself in. He reasoned that being in Craig's room for a while would let him work through some stuff and maybe even find some answers to help him move on. It was a long shot but it was worth a try; if he couldn't have Craig there, he at least wanted to be somewhere he could feel his presence._

_Finally, three pints later, as Frankie busied herself sorting glasses underneath the bar, John Paul saw his opportunity and dashed upstairs. He hesitated as he pushed open the bedroom door and almost turned around and ran straight back out again. Glancing around the room he was overwhelmed by memories and his fingers clung desperately to the door frame for support._

_He didn't know exactly what he had expected to find here, but if he had come searching for peace he knew then that he would be disappointed. In that one room Craig was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. He was tantalisingly close; odd clothes still strewn where he left them and, John Paul could swear, still a faint scent of him lingering in the air. Yet he was impossibly far away; the room was empty, its soul was gone, and the traces of a hasty exit and atmosphere of abandonment brought the absence of its owner into sharp relief._

_John Paul was trapped, suddenly engulfed by the presence that he had misguidedly craved and tears pricked the back of his eyes as he sank down onto the bed. He positioned himself gingerly on the edge and frantically willed away painfully vivid memories of times passed under the very same covers._

_His eyes flitted around the room, resting momentarily on objects of interest but never long enough for more than superficial thoughts to be formed. If nothing else, he mused, Craig's room had a sense of honesty about it. It was one of only very few places that had ever known the true extent of the friendship between the two boys, and with that in mind John Paul felt a safer freedom to comb over memories of their more intimate times together. Undoubtedly, his own room was the epitome of that honesty, but the interminable hours he'd spent there recently had rendered John Paul all but immune to its effects._

_Subconsciously he fished a worn and folded piece of paper out of his pocket and his eyes glazed over as he span it slowly between his fingers, his mind running over and over the words that were etched in his mind. He was so lost in thought that he failed to hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs or the opening of the front door, even the click of the bedroom door passed him by until his previously clear view of the carpet was interrupted by a pair of long, toned legs._

'_What are you doing in here?'_

'_Steph.' John Paul panicked, his mind suddenly drawing a blank 'I'm really sorry, I was just…'_

_Christ, what was he doing here? John Paul desperately searched his mind for a believable reason but even to him his presence seemed suddenly inexplicable._

_Steph folded her arms across her chest and quietly surveyed the uninvited visitor. There was an intensity about his whole body and a lost look in his eyes that served to distract her totally from any interrogation about his entry. In that moment, she couldn't see an intruder, just one very lonely boy. _

'_I miss him too' she said finally._

_He looked up, both touched and relieved by her understanding as she sat herself down on the bed next to him._

'_I know it probably didn't seem like we were that close' she admitted with a smile 'But we've been through a lot, and he was always there. It's strange without him.'_

'_I'd be the same with my sisters.'_

_She nodded and prompted him gently 'You and Craig were really close though' _

'_Yeah…' He murmured 'I suppose we were.' _

'_Always said you were the best mate he'd ever had – not that there was too much competition for that!'_

_He offered only a reticent nod in response and she stared at him curiously as a silence fell between them, despite his closeness to her brother she'd never really gotten to know John Paul and sitting next to him now she couldn't help but wonder about the boy. Over the course oh his and Craig's friendship she'd heard snippets of their various dramas and fallings out, but had given them little thought not, as you might expect, because her self obsession prevented it, but because she was just happy that her brother had finally found a real friend, someone who seemed to understand him, and that was all that mattered. _

'_You know I was dead worried about him went he went away.' She confided lightly 'He seemed all over the place when he left, suppose all that stuff with Sarah didn't really help, I wasn't sure if he was terrified to leave or couldn't wait to go!'_

_John Paul gave a rueful smile 'Knowing Craig probably both, he never could seem to quite make up his mind.'_

'_Well I'm sure he misses you anyway.' Steph gave his hand a quick squeeze as her eyes finally lit on the letter that John Paul had completely forgotten he was still clutching in his clammy hand 'Is that our Craig's writing?'_

_Too late, and in sickening slow motion, John Paul glanced down, realising what it was that she'd seen and watched her grab it out of his helpless hands, already unfolding it as he finally regained the power of speech._

'_No Steph don't…It's not Craig's…please…' his stammers trailed off to a mortified whisper as he watched her scan the first couple of lines '…Please don't read that.'_

_The silence was interminable. Cursing himself for his carelessness he studied her face as she read every word, pausing occasionally to reread the bits that she seemed least able to take in. Knowing the letter's contents as he did John Paul winced as he watched her approach the most sensitive bits and observed the degree of disbelief in her eyes waver from surprise to astonishment and back again._

_To his relief however, her reactions were not as he might have feared; he saw no anger, no disappointment, no disgust. She even managed a wry smile at Craig's attempts at humour. And as her eyes finally tore away from the revelations on the page there was a tenderness there that John Paul didn't expect._

'_Well it's no wonder you miss him'_

'_I'm really sorry Steph.'_

'_What on earth for?'_

'_Finding out about your brother like that. I never meant…' _

_His words fell away as he registered her sympathetic face 'Nobody knows.' _

'_Nobody?' _

_John Paul shook his head and pleaded with desperate eyes 'Please, you can't tell anyone. I know I don't have a right to ask you but Craig'll kill me. If he found out that you knew…'_

_Steph grabbed hold of his shaking hand and shot him a reassuring smile 'It's fine, I won't say anything. Don't really fancy being the one to tell Mum to be honest…'_

_He gave a short laugh 'I don't imagine anybody will ever have to. Can't see Craig doing it at any rate.'_

_Steph's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, convinced she was missing something _

'_But, I mean, he's gay isn't he?'_

'_Not according to him' _

_John Paul sighed and raked his hand through his hair 'And he seems to have run all the way to Ireland to prove that fact.'_

'_He's just scared John Paul.'_

'_I know that.' he whispered 'I just wish we could've been scared together.'_

_Steph ached to see the pain that he was in, pain her own brother had caused, and she pulled his weary body into tight hug. As she held him, she thought of Craig; thought of all the anguish he must have gone through with nobody noticing, nobody to confide in, and she held a little tighter, hoping that whatever he was doing, he was faring better than the trembling boy in her arms._

_Finally releasing his grip on her, John Paul's cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment as he got to his feet. 'I'm sorry Steph…'_

'_Would you stop apologising!' She raised an amused eyebrow 'You're practically family now anyway…'_

_He managed a small smile 'Everyone round here thinks I'm going mad. Not exactly normal to grieve over your mate going to uni is it?'_

'_Under the circumstances' she shrugged 'I'd say you're doing pretty well. And John Paul, if you ever want to talk or whatever…you know where I am.'_

_He nodded appreciatively as he left and felt an unexpected peace descend over him as he walked out of the pub, finally believing for the first time that maybe…just maybe, he was going to be ok. _


	14. Chapter 14

Hey everyone, thanks so much for all your reviews, great to see some new names there as well!

**Nana**, sorry I forgot to answer your question last time, I would explain the Dean and McQueen families to you, but it might be easier if you just search for Craig and John Paul on Wikipedia, it's all there and probably in much better detail than I could give you - hope that helps :)

Hope you enjoy the next part, just a little sibling heart to heart for you...

* * *

'So you know? You know…everything?'

Craig had listened wordlessly and attentively as his sister briefly recounted the tale of how she had come discover his most closely guarded secret, but now, as she finally came to an end, he couldn't quite bring himself to look her in the eye.

'Well maybe not everything' she admitted 'But I think I've got the general picture.'

'Right' he nodded and snuck a furtive glance at her 'And you're…you're ok with it?'

'Course! Think it's quite sweet actually, well not the whole you leaving and him being heartbroken bit…but the rest of it.'

He rolled his eyes at her characteristic lack of tact 'Yeah, Cheers Steph'

'You know what I mean Craig, falling in love with your best mate; I reckon that's pretty romantic myself.'

He couldn't help but raise a sceptical eyebrow 'Even when your best mate's another bloke?'

Steph shot him a sympathetic smile as she studied his anxious form, letting her eyes linger on the turmoil that scarred his delicate face.

'Is that why you're worried?'

He shrugged and hugged his arms nervously to his chest 'Well doesn't it bother you?'

'I think you're forgetting Craig that I work in the theatre. Gay men are hardly a novelty for me anymore I'm afraid.'

She grinned as she saw the corners of his mouth drift momentarily upwards, but her relief faded as quickly as his smile.

'I'm your brother.' He insisted 'It's different. And I mean, finding out like you did…' he didn't finish his sentence; he didn't really need to. Steph seemed to understand.

She quickly shifted her position on his bed; crossing her legs underneath her and facing him head on 'The day I found out, just after John Paul left, I sat in here on my own for about two hours, just…thinking. Thinking about how I felt as though I really didn't know you any more. And I felt awful, but not because you were sleeping with a boy or because I didn't like the person that you were now. It was just that you're my little brother and you'd been going through this huge, life changing thing for months and I had no idea. What kind of a sister does that make me eh?' she asked gently.

'Steph, come on, how would you ever have known? It's not like I was going around shouting about it.' He added dryly.

'I just wish you'd felt you could've told me.' A hopeful smile crept over her face 'That's why you're back though isn't it? You want to tell people? So you can be with him properly?'

Craig gave a soft laugh at her evident excitement 'Yeah, that's why I'm here.'

'And that's what you were trying to tell Mum?'

He nodded but discontentment flashed across his face as he recalled the earlier conversation 'Didn't quite mange it though did I? Just couldn't…couldn't quite find the words.'

'You will do.' She assured him 'I know you will.'

'Thanks Steph.'

'And if you're struggling for what to say, just show her a copy of that letter I read.' A mischievous smile played about on her lips 'I reckon she'd get the idea then.'

Craig blushed as he recalled some of the things he'd written; he had been unflinching in his honesty, explored all aspects of their relationship and never once imagined that his family would get their hands such a candid account of his life.

'You…err...you read it all then did you?' he enquired lightly.

'Oh yeah' she nodded 'Hey there's nothing to be embarrassed about, nearly brought a tear to my eye that did. Didn't know you had it in you!'

The first smile that had reached his eyes for some time beamed from Craig's face as a comfortable silence fell between the siblings. And in that second, he felt fantastic, like a huge weight had been lifted off of him. Having told Nancy, he figured that it was probably only going to get harder from there, and had certainly never expected that an even more sympathetic audience would be found in the form of his sister. Steph spoke about his relationship with John Paul in the same dizzy, love struck way she would any heterosexual relationship and Craig savoured the feeling of total normality that her refreshing attitude brought him. Maybe he was wrong to assume that everybody would be as wary of this development in his life as he had been.

'I bet John Paul's over the moon!' Steph's enthusiasm suddenly brought his own good mood crashing down and his eyes hardened as he recalled the terms on which they'd parted.

'What is it? What's wrong?' her once joyful voice became laced with concern as she took in his suddenly troubled face.

'He's not exactly…well it's just I tried to explain it to him but...' Craig broke off as he bit down hard on his lip to stem the tears that from nowhere were now threatening his dark eyes.

'Mum said you stayed there last night…' she prompted gently

'Yeah, it's not what you think though.'

'What happened?'

He brushed a salty tear from his cheek as he looked up into his sister's worried eyes.

'I've messed him around so much Steph…I should never have expected for it to be ok.'

'But you're back now, you can fix things.' She insisted quietly 'What did he say?'

Craig took a deep breath and steeled himself to relive it 'He said that I need to sort myself out, to tell everyone what's really going on with me. I have to tell Mum…and Jack…and Jake…everyone. I have to stop all the lies.' His voice was barely a whisper as he continued 'And he won't see me until I do.'

Steph swallowed back her own tears as she listened to him 'Well that's ok, you can do that' she urged.

'I don't know…' he muttered 'I really thought I could, but it's so hard. Telling Mum, I tried, I did, but…' Craig shrugged helplessly.

'It's only because we came in, you would've done it otherwise.'

'Would I?' he murmured, every fibre of his being wished that he had her confidence, but he knew himself too well. 'I'm not sure. I could have just blurted it out from the beginning, but I didn't. I just kept rambling on about trying to be happy, how it's really important that we should be happy. I was trying to justify it to her… like I'd done something wrong.'

Steph opened her mouth to reassure him but the words wouldn't come and her lips dropped silently together again as a feeling of woeful inadequacy washed over her. She was entirely out of her depth; the emotions that gripped her brother now were of a intensity she had yet to experience in life and despite his evident turmoil there was a small part of her that envied his passion.

'I'm so scared.' Craig's voice trembled as he continued; finally sharing emotions that for so long had been confined to his own, messed up mind 'This is going to change everything. And I want things to change I really do, but I'm doing it for him…and I don't think I can do it without him.'

She didn't have to ask who the 'him' he referred to was; she knew that John Paul was the only 'him' of any consequence in Craig's life anymore.

'Go to him Craig, ask for his help. He loves you, he'll do it.'

He shook his head 'I can't. He's already said no, I have to prove that I'm good enough for him, even if I'm not sure that I am.'

'Don't think like that…'

'I'm weak Steph.' He insisted 'It's always been the problem and maybe it's improved a bit this past year, but it's still there. I know it, John Paul knows it, and if I go begging for his help well…' Craig trailed off and leant his head lightly back against the wall.

'I just don't think he needs a reminder.'

They sat in silence for a moment, a gentle rubbing of Craig's tense back all the comfort Steph felt able to give him, before he glanced up with an apologetic smile.

'Steph, you've been amazing but do you think maybe…'

'You want to be left alone?'

'You mind?'

She shook her head and made her way over to the door. 'It's going to be ok you know. John Paul, he's a good guy.'

Craig smiled weakly 'Did you talk to him much after that day?'

'Yeah a little bit. He didn't really have anyone else to go to, so I said he could always come to me.' She glanced nervously at Craig, unsure how much he really wanted to know, but continued after he shot her an encouraging glance.

'At first we talked maybe once a week, not always for long, just a quick catch up to see how he was doing. He was a mess to be honest, but he always put a brave face on it. It just sort of tailed off a bit after a couple of months though, he seemed much better, even had a couple of boyfriends I think.' Steph flinched as her comments cast a dark shadow over Craig's features, but he indicated that she should go on.

'Then I found him alone in the village one day, sometime in the middle of May, totally beside himself he was. Not crying or hysterical or anything, he just looked, I don't know… shell shocked I suppose. It was horrible, like something was just tearing him up from the inside, torturing his mind, but he seemed to be letting it happen. As though a part of him wanted to feel like that, like he wanted to relieve whatever it was in his head. I ended up sitting with him all afternoon, he didn't say much but I reckon we saw off the worst of it. And that's it really; I wouldn't say I know him well.'

'He loves you though.' She concluded quietly, as she opened the door to leave. 'I know that much.'

Craig just nodded as she left but he piped up again as her words sparked a memory of his own.

'Steph, that day in May, it…err…it wasn't 16th was it?'

She wrinkled her nose in thought 'Not sure to be honest…might well have been though.'

A small smile danced across her lips. 'Why what's that? An anniversary or something?'

Craig's lips let out a soft laugh as he turned away from his sister's curious glance.

'Yeah. Something like that.'


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks to those of you who reviewed :) Hope you enjoy the next bit!

* * *

John Paul sighed loudly as tossed his phone away from him in irritation for the seventh time in about ten minutes, and for Mercedes that was the final straw in her characteristically fragile patience.

'What the hell is up with you?' she demanded.

'Nothing'

'So why have you been sat there with a face on you all afternoon?'

'I haven't!' he protested, but on cue he found his fingers reaching almost involuntarily for his recently discarded phone.

'I swear John Paul if you check that phone one more time I'm gonna shove it up somewhere that even you won't enjoy.' Mercedes got from her seat and grabbed it away from him. 'If you want to talk to someone, just call them already.'

'Can't.' he muttered.

'Can't or won't?'

John Paul's expression soured as fell silent; it was the answer to that that had been plaguing his brain for most of the day and he really didn't need it hammering home.

'Don't think I didn't notice you had a little friend stay over last night by the way.' Mercedes sniped. 'Craig's back isn't he?'

'Yeah. And?'

Mercedes merely raised an eyebrow in response.

'What?' John Paul's tolerance was thin enough today without his sister's caustic interference. 'I'm really not in the mood for this Mercy.'

'Do I have to spell it out for you? Your best mate, who you happened to be in love with at one point, leaves town, you don't come out of your room for weeks, he comes back, stays the night in your bed for all I know, now you're obsessively checking your phone every two seconds. And you want me to believe that all of that's just a coincidence?'

'You don't know what you're talking about.'

'John Paul we're talking about Boys. It's the one thing I actually do know something about, and you're all the same. Gay, straight, confused doesn't matter; your brains work the same even if your groins don't.'

He slouched down in his seat as Mercedes final comment hit a raw nerve and all the fight seemed to ebb out from him. 'Would you just leave it yeah?'

She rolled her eyes and tossed his phone back to him as she headed upstairs. 'Just don't get hurt alright. He's not worth it.'

In John Paul's head he was screaming at her that she was wrong, that Craig _was_ worth it. Every little heart breaking moment, every sleepless night, every last bitter tear, every time he thought he just couldn't carry on; he was worth it. He had to be. Else the past two years of his life would have been worth nothing.

But he didn't say anything, just held it in and nodded his agreement; Anything for a quiet life.

The ringing doorbell shook John Paul from his thoughts, and for one tantalising second he allowed himself to believe that it might be Craig, but as he swung the door open he was forced to curse himself once again that he should have known better.

'Hey'

'Hiya, can I come in?'

John Paul nodded and opened the door a little wider for her to enter. 'Craig didn't send you did he?'

'No, he doesn't even know that I'm here.' Steph shifted her weight nervously from foot to foot and her eyes darted quickly around the room. She wasn't sure that she should have come, but something told her that she needed to try and make up for the year's worth of sisterly intervention that she'd missed out on, and here seemed to be as good a place as any to start.

'He does know that I know though.' She offered finally.

John Paul struggled to keep his hope under wraps as a small smile graced his lips 'Do you mean he told you?'

Steph shook her head no, 'Not exactly. He's really opened up about it since though.'

'Has he told anyone?'

The pause was brief, but long enough for John Paul's frail hopes to lift momentarily once again.

'He tried, he really did.'

'But he failed right?' He felt his irritation rise as the familiar feeling of Craig induced disappointment spread through his body. 'I should have known.'

'This isn't easy for him you know.'

His jaw tensed as his eyes bore into Steph's anxious face with frustration 'What and it's easy for me?'

'I didn't come here to fight with you John Paul.' She said gently 'I just wondered if maybe you could forgive him.'

'What are you talking about?'

'I understand that you must still be angry, after everything he's done it's only natural, but if you want this to work then…'

'Steph, you clearly don't understand.' He interjected angrily 'If you really think that the reason I'm not there with him now is because I'm mad at him, or because I want to…to punish him… then…well…' John Paul's words died away as he realised the hypocrisy he was spouting.

'Craig needs to be ready to admit it. That's all' he finished quietly.

'But he'd admitted it to himself,' Steph protested 'Surely that's the most important thing? He knows what he wants now, he wants you and he wants everyone to know it. But it doesn't make telling them any easier.'

'I do know that it's not easy, I had to come out myself not so long ago remember?'

'Exactly, so you more than anyone should understand how much he needs support right now from the people that love him. And if you love him like you say you do…'

'Don't you dare question what I feel for him' John Paul snapped 'I have done nothing but love Craig throughout all of this, I'm hardly about to stop now am I?'

She mumbled an apology and reached sharply for the door handle, sensing her presence was not going to be welcome for much longer.

'Listen…' she pleaded softly 'last time he was scared, he ran. And you told me all that you wished was that you could have been scared together. Well now he's terrified. So here's your chance.'

'What the hell is going on John Paul?' Mercedes voice thundered through the quiet as she appeared at the bottom of the stairs. 'Have you been sleeping with that Dean boy?'

'Were you listening in?'

'Hardly.' She scoffed 'Not exactly in a private place are you? And she ain't half got a gob on her' she jerked her carelessly head in Steph's direction but continued to stare at her brother. 'Now are you going to tell me what's going on or not?'

'Actually, I'd rather not.'

'It sounds like that little sod's been messing you around, and I warned you about that didn't I?'

'Yeah well I'm afraid telling me ten minutes ago was a little late for that.'

'How long has it been going on for?' she demanded.

'Oh ages.' Steph put in 'They were at it for months before he went away…'

'I'm sorry, I don't remember asking your opinion' Mercedes eyes flashed venomously at the blonde before her focus returned to her brother 'Is that true John Paul?'

He nodded 'Yeah, from about May last year.'

'Jesus Christ, so what he was getting his kicks from you and Sarah? And now he's just come back for some more? That boy is unbelievable.'

'It's not like it sounds Mercy, and he says he really wants to give it a try now.'

'You and him? Together?' Her brow furrowed incredulously 'Is he even gay?'

'He thinks he's probably Bi.'

'Oh well great, that just means he wants his finger in every bloody pie around. You can't get taken in by this John Paul.'

'Mercy, I love him.' His eyes shone with a quiet determination, and just for a second, the earnest declaration left his sister floored. But she was never to be kept down for long.

'And what difference does that make eh? You're still going to get hurt'

'Well actually it makes all the difference!' Steph exclaimed 'And I don't care if you didn't ask for my opinion Mercedes because you're getting it anyway. Craig and John Paul love each other, so they're going to work something out. End of story.'

'Right, of course, Craig loves him does he? Loves him so much he disappeared to Dublin for a year?' Mercedes sneered

'Please will you two just leave it.' John Paul's fists balled in frustration, but his pleadings went unheard.

'He was scared, he wasn't sure if he was ready!' Steph shrieked 'You can't say he's not committed, he came back didn't he?'

'Yeah for a quick fumble maybe, before he goes back to pretending he's only interested in the next woman to throw herself at him.'

'MERCEDES!' John Paul exploded 'Would you just…'

'Excuse me! I think you'll find that Craig is just about ready to tell his own mother that he has a thing for boys actually.' Steph protested 'For your information he happens to be madly in love with your brother, you should see what he wrote…have you got that letter on you John Paul?'

John Paul's head dropped with embarrassment 'I don't believe this' he mumbled.

'What the hell is she on about?'

'Craig wrote this letter, it was lovely, saying how much he loved John Paul and all sorts of things. Dead emotional it was.' Steph insisted.

'Well that's all very nice love. But it didn't stop him messing our John Paul around and breaking his heart did it?'

'He was confused! He'd never hurt him on purpose. Besides you don't even know the half of what's gone on'

'And as for coming clean to his precious mother…' Mercedes spat 'Well I'll believe that when I see it!'

An almighty crash finally brought a respite in the yelling as John Paul, unnoticed by either woman, made his escape from the commotion and the front door slammed shut behind him. His whole afternoon had been spent chasing similar arguments around his head and hearing a real life version play out in his living room was just too much for him to take.

He gulped in several lungfuls of crisp fresh air in an attempt to clear his mind before setting off at a brisk pace away from his house. He wasn't sure where he was going, in his haste to get away he hadn't paused long enough to consider it, but he had a feeling he knew where his legs would carry him.


	16. Chapter 16

Hello again, thanks again for all the reviews :) Here's the next chapter, you might possibly need a recap of Chapt 2 at some point...

* * *

It wasn't until some lukewarm liquid splashed against his knuckles that Craig realised he had been stirring his cup of tea with increasing vigour for nearly ten minutes, and it was only when he heard a small cough from the doorway that he became aware he had been doing it with an audience.

'Craig love…' His mother looked tentative, scared even, as she addressed him quietly.

'I'm fine.' He knew what was coming; interactions with his family were often predictable in that way.

She blanched at his terse response but continued into the room regardless, placing her hand gently on his shoulder. 'I'm sorry we didn't get to talk earlier, but I'd like to now…if you still want to that is.'

Craig turned and stared intently into her face; noticing for the first time how much she seemed to have aged in the past year, and tensing slightly at the realisation. He had always considered his mum to be an ageless sort of woman, she had looked the same to him for as long as he could remember, and he had could never imagine her succumbing to such trivialities as time. But the cluster of lines that had gathered around her eyes suggested otherwise and it seemed that the years were finally catching up with her. A pang of worry shot through him as he considered the impact impending revelations would have on her; no doubt there would be a few more wrinkles by the end of the summer, and they would all have his name on them.

He shook off the sobering thought and flashed her a weak smile 'It's ok, we'll talk another time.'

Frankie nodded but didn't release her light grip on him 'I don't want you ever to feel like you have to come home Craig.'

'What?' Perhaps she wasn't so predictable after all.

'It's just that you were talking about Dublin and finally being happy, but ever since you've gotten back…well you haven't really been yourself love. I'm worried about you and I just want to make sure that you're not forcing yourself to come back here for me.'

'Don't be daft.' He laughed 'This is my home, I wanted to come back.'

'Are you sure?... you just seem so...'

'Mum. I promise.' He pulled her into a tight hug and didn't speak again until she finally and reluctanly let go.

'I'm sorry that this is the first time I've been back and I'm sorry that I've been a miserable sod. But really, it has nothing to do with you, or this place. It's just me; I had to sort my head out.'

She gave him a tentative smile 'And how did that go for you?'

'I'm getting there.' He assured her 'I'm getting there.'

Craig threw his arm casually around his Mum and steered her towards the door. 'And I reckon that you'll be seeing a whole lot more of me next year too.'

Frankie raised her eyebrows and gave a soft laugh 'Oh yeah? Why's that then?'

'I just think that maybe Hollyoaks has more to offer me than I'd ever really appreciated before' he explained 'And I'm determined to take full advantage.'

'Fancy coming to take advantage of the pub downstairs and giving me a hand?' she ventured lightly.

'You know I would, but there's just this thing…somewhere I need to go…I'm sorry.' He rubbed the back of his head and shot her an apologetic glance, in truth he wasn't entirely sure where he was going but he needed to get out and he trusted his legs would provide some answers once he escaped his house.

'It's ok love, you go.' Frankie kissed him softly on the forehead as she headed out the door. 'We'll talk again soon.'

* * *

John Paul had survived the walk all the way from his house to the centre of the village without forming a single coherent thought. Thinking, he concluded, was overrated. He'd spent the whole of the day, not to mention the better part of last year, mentally obsessing over his life, the majority of which was out of his control anyway, and so far any answers he had come up with had failed to result in any real progress. He felt trapped and confused by his own thoughts. So from now on, he resolved to be impulsive; follow his heart rather than his head and take chances instead of precautions. Surely he couldn't do any worse out of it.

As soon The Dog came into view however, John Paul's new world view stumbled at its first real challenge and he stopped abruptly in the street wishing that he had bothered to think out what he was doing there. This U-turn was typical of him these days, his head was all over the place and any rational genes he had been blessed with seemed to be deserting him at an alarming rate. He couldn't put his finger on it, but it felt like he was lacking whatever it was that had previously anchored him to the real world.

Lost in his own mind for a moment, he didn't see the dark haired boy approach him until a hesitant voice broke through his haze of confusion.

'John Paul?'

He turned in surprise at the familiar sound and a smile crept over his face as he met the boy's sparkling eyes.

'Ryan. Hi.'

'Hey' he grinned 'I wasn't sure what the proper post break-up etiquette was but I figured a quick hello was probably allowed.'

'Yeah I reckon that's acceptable. So how have you been?'

'Really good thanks, well not that I wasn't cut up about us, y'know…it's just that…' he laughed nervously as he looked up into John Paul's smiling eyes.

'It's ok, you can say it, I think we both knew it was the right thing for us.'

John Paul was far from offended by Ryan's lack of emotion but he wasn't about to admit that he had actually been quite upset by the end of their relationship. In truth he knew that it wasn't Ryan particularly that he had been mourning, although he certainly missed the companionship and the easy conversation, it was more the fact that he had once again failed to move on. He had failed to find and maintain a relationship that even came close to the mess that he and Craig had shared.

'You're absolutely right.' He nodded 'Not that you aren't cute McQueen, but really, house music? I just couldn't get my head around all those tuneless beats I'm afraid.'

'Ahhh wow, nearly a whole minute before the first dig. I think you've gotten soft.'

'Must have been all that post break-up Celine Dion I was listening to.' He smirked. 'What have you been up to anyway? I haven't seen you around.'

'Nothing much.' He shrugged 'An old friend came back from Uni so I've been a little…pre-occupied I guess.'

'An old friend? This wouldn't happen to be the famous, phantom Craig would it?'

John Paul's sheepish face was all the confirmation Ryan needed and he gave a wide smile.

'Wow, no wonder you looked like you had just been hit by a train when I found you.'

'Right, cheers.' John Paul patted self consciously at his dishevelled hair 'I suppose I have looked better.'

'Not half, you wouldn't have caught me chatting you up in your state.'

He couldn't help but smile at the boy's honesty but a frown flashed across his face as he remembered that he'd always been meticulous in leaving any mention of Craig out of conversations with subsequent boyfriends.

'How did you know? I mean I didn't think I'd ever mentioned…'

'John Paul, everyone knows it's best to do extensive research on the history of a potential boyfriend; gives you some advance warning for any dodgy skeletons or lost soulmates that might make an appearance.'

Ryan grinned at his friend's shocked face 'Well that, and Nancy might have happened to let something slip...'

'Ah Nancy' he gave a wry smile 'I should have known. Hollyoaks' one woman grapevine.'

'That she is.'

There was a brief, comfortable pause in their exchange before Ryan shot him a hopeful look and indicated towards Il Gnosh. 'Listen, again I'm not sure on the protocol of this or anything, but do you maybe fancy getting a coffee?'

John Paul took one look into the genuine, relaxed eyes before him and didn't hesitate. Perhaps he should have, perhaps he was about to learn the perils of bypassing thought in decision making, but the past five minutes of conversation had been the most carefree he could remember of his whole week. He wasn't worrying, over-analysing, or trying to be anything other than himself and he felt the Yes spring from his lips before the name Craig even crossed his mind.

* * *

Craig's legs proved to be as predictable as he had expected, but even as he stood at the end of the McQueen driveway he was unsure quite what he doing there. At best, going crawling back to John Paul for help meant admitting defeat, confirming both of their suspicions about his cowardice and delaying any reunion he might have hoped for. Something he wasn't sure he was ready to do just yet. At worst it could be the end of them; if John Paul was true to his word, if he really was testing Craig's commitment, then his failure might just be the last straw. He was well aware that his chances would run out eventually.

'He's not even here Craig.'

His eyes followed the sharp voice to the upstairs window where Mercedes' fractious face was visible through the early evening gloom.

'Do you know when he'll be back?'

'No' she snapped 'Besides, isn't there something you should be doing?'

There was an unmistakeable challenge in her eyes as she spoke and as Craig met her gaze a now familiar feeling of resignation swept through him. It seemed that even without his input, word of his deepest secret was beginning to scatter.

'Yeah, yeah there is.' He muttered and glanced up to speak again but was greeted only by the thudding slam of a window as Mercedes disappeared inside.

Bowing his head against the biting wind that whipped around him, Craig turned and pulled his coat close to him as he headed back into town, hoping that his own home would provide the solace his tired body craved.

* * *

Ten minutes later he was dragging himself up the stairs to the flat, attempting in vain to shift the growing sense of foreboding that had built up inside him during his solitary walk home. Craig was astute enough to realise that the spread of his revelation would increase rapidly from here on in and he knew that this could only serve to intensify the pressure on him to tell his family before somebody else got there first.

As he trudged through the living room his pre-occupation was such he barely saw his sister until she greeted him.

'Craig, there's…'

'Not now Steph.' He grunted 'All I want to do is go to bed.'

But as he approached his room and pushed the door open he soon realised that that was going to be a problem. Because there was already somebody else sitting on his bed.

Somebody he least expected to see and the only person in the whole world who could have raised a smile from him at that moment.

'John Paul…'

* * *


	17. Chapter 17

I'm so so very sorry for the massive delay, I've just gone back to uni and everything's been very manic! Unfortunately I'm hardly getting any time at all to write but I am going to try and continue with the story so long as people are still reading, but I'm just going to apologise in advance for the fact that updates will be much farther apart than before - going to aim for one a week, but we'll see how it goes!

And typically the big delay coincided with a chapter that I was finding really hard to write so it took even longer. Anyway, sorry again and I'd really appreciate nay comments and feedback :)

* * *

Craig's heart leapt as he stared at his visitor but his elation was tinged with confusion and, as he stared wordlessly at the boy before him, a gloom of foreboding gathered quickly around. He felt unquestionably that the coming minutes were going to change his whole life in some way… but in what way, he couldn't tell, and John Paul's blank face shed little light on his fate.

In desperation to cure the uncertainty Craig felt the greeting slip suddenly from his lips before he could stop himself.

'What are you doing here?'

His voice resounded quietly, but colder than he had intended and John Paul's eyes blinked in surprise at the frosty reception.

'I needed to talk to you.'

He nodded, but Craig's guilt gnawed at his insides and fear began to override his puzzlement as John Paul stared expectantly at him..

'I…err…I haven't managed…I tried but...'

'I know.'

'But I thought you said-'

'Craig…'

The name was uttered so quietly it was barely audible but desperation clung to every sound and John Paul's face crumpled with glistening eyes as he rose silently from the bed, pulling Craig roughly into his arms. The older boy trembled under their strong touch but he allowed himself to be held, and after several seconds he felt himself collapse helplessly into John Paul's body. Pent up emotion from the day's events shuddered out of him and he clawed onto his friend's back for support as he mumbled strangled words over and over into the shoulders that supported him

'Sorry… I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…I'm sorry'

Tears slid from his tired eyes as the words fell like rain from his mouth, and he didn't let go.

Couldn't let go.

Couldn't let _him_ go, not again.

Minutes later, coaxed by an insistent stroking of his back, Craig's grip finally lessened and they broke gently apart. Brushing his thumb softly over the damp cheek before him, John Paul managed a half smile.

'That was supposed to be my line.'

'What?'

'I'm sorry Craig.'

Craig shook his head in protest but he felt a finger press briefly upon his lips to silence him.

'I should never have done that. Giving you an ultimatum, it wasn't fair. I was angry and I'm sorry.'

'You had a right to be angry John Paul, still do. And I understand why you can't trust me, after everything I've done, all the things I've promised…'

'I do trust you.'

The declaration resounded in Craig's head. The words were simple, the delivery quiet. But the face that spoke them was adamant and the overpowering flood of relief that rushed through him confirmed that few words would ever be so welcome to his ears again.

The stream of apologies he had intended fell away one by one until Craig was left grasping for words

'Thank you' he whispered, embarrassed by the inadequacy of his response.

'And I _am_ going to tell them, I want to.'

'I trust you.'

They fell quiet and the silence was at ease, but even with his eyes trained to the floor John Paul could hear all the questions that were racing around Craig's mind; things he was desperate to ask but fearful to hear answers to. He needed to know where they stood now, what this meant for them. Needed to know if there even was a 'them'.

But he barely even knew where to start.

'I ran into an ex earlier'

'Spike?'

'No, Ryan.'

The name meant nothing to him but Craig nodded regardless as though he understood.

'We went for a drink, had a chat. It was lovely, really easy you know?' John Paul's eyed flickered upwards 'He's a great guy; good looking, fun, witty.'

Craig felt his entire body tense until the strain finally send a shiver straight through him, but he stayed silent; he supposed at some point in their history he had done something to deserve this.

'And as I sat looking at him, I started to wonder why we had ever broken up. It felt good, really good, being with him, and I decided right then that I could quite easily just reverse it all. I could get him back. I could stay there… and get him back.'

Suffocating silence pervaded the air until Craig finally spluttered words out through gritted teeth.

'What are you trying to say?'

'Well I'm not there am I? 'I'm here. With you.'

Craig's eyes were drawn immediately to those before him but tore them away, unable to hold the intensity of the stare.

'What made you change your mind?'

'I don't know.' He shrugged. 'Nothing. Everything. You're everything Craig.'

'You're the reason we broke up. You're the reason I can't get him back, why I don't even want him back. I haven't seen you for 10 months but you're still in control, I'm totally helpless when it comes to you Craig. I physically cannot move on, I can't be with anyone else. It's completely ridiculous and sometimes I hate it and I hate you because of it…But it's just the way it is. You and me, it's all that makes sense and I've accepted that now.' John Paul paused silently for breath, staring gently into the face that he knew he was powerless to walk away from. 'So I'm not going anywhere, I can't, because for better or for worse…I have to know how this ends.'

A fluttering began in Craig's heart; a tingle of excitement that his fear-ridden body worked tirelessly to quell. John Paul's words promised so much; promised everything he had hardly dared to wish for…everything he just couldn't bring himself to believe.

'What about Ryan?'

'He's not you.' John Paul let out a gentle laugh as the words fell from his mouth, sounding almost too simple to be true. 'I could never love him like I love you.'

'But what if I…'

'It doesn't matter.' The younger boy's voice shook with quiet determination as he entwined their trembling hands 'Because crazy as it sounds, I know I'd rather have my heart broken by you all over again than be happy with anybody else.'

Craig's features was expressionless as he slowly leant his face forwards and rested his forehead against John Paul's, their hot ragged breaths mingling in the centimetres of air that separated their lips. He couldn't smile; it would never say enough. And for several seconds, he scarcely trusted himself to speak.

'I don't know what to say…' he mumbled finally.

'Don't say anything. Kiss me.'

At John Paul's whispered words the air was suddenly charged with the enchantment of a first kiss; thrills of nervous anticipation surging relentlessly through them as their lips edged nearer, closer and closer to the fulfilment of the terminal months of longing and heartache that had plagued them both. Craig stole a final glance into the endless orbs of blue before he fell headlong into them and their lips finally met, softly at first; tender, reassuring. Their tongues shying away as their lips told of reconciliation and new beginnings; of the trust that was going to mend their broken past. But as their arms snaked slowly around each other their hesitation gave way to exploration, and the latent passions of their time apart finally shattered through them in an explosion of desperation and desire.

When their lips finally pulled away it was with a contentment that left euphoric smiles on both boys' faces, and as the relief of their reunion rushed through them their previously insignificant exhaustion sent them both crashing on to the bed in satisfied silence.

It was odd, Craig mused as he lay there, fingers laced with John Paul's, how things that had for so long felt irreparable could fix themselves so abruptly.

You spend months of your life in a dizzying limbo of pain and self doubt, get caught up in a cycle that seems to offer no way out. You push away love, reject all it has to offer you and wreak almost unforgivable pain in the hearts of those who you need the most until finally, the whole world is thrown out of kilter there is nothing beneath you that you trust enough to believe in, nothing for it to offer you that makes existing any easier.

And you almost start to forget that it didn't always used to be this way.

But then suddenly, just as hope starts to fail you and in the time it takes to kiss somebody breathless, the world rights itself.

You can breathe again. And you finally remember that there's more to living mere existence.

'I'll tell them soon.' He whispered 'Tonight even.'

John Paul nodded. 'Our Mercedes already knows.'

'Yeah I guessed. I went around to yours earlier.' He explained 'Not exactly her favourite person am I?'

'Oh God what did she say?'

Craig smiled softly at the horrified look on his face. 'Not a lot. Doesn't really mince words your sister.'

'She's just…protective. Worried I'm going to get hurt again.'

'You're not.' he promised 'Not if I can help it.'

John Paul nodded again, the sincerity etched on his lover's face making it impossible to question him. There would probably be a time for doubt, but the time wasn't now.

Now was the moments you live for; moments to be savoured in dark times that inevitably follow the light.

Now was a time when only now mattered; when only they mattered.

There was a 'they' now, he mused. And he smiled.

'I'm scared John Paul.'

Craig's voice was hardly a whisper and it sent arms rushing out to comfort him, hands grazing lightly down his shoulders.

'I understand.'

And he did. That was what never ceased to amaze Craig, John Paul seemed to understand anything, if only he'd let him.

The younger boy traced softly over Craig's cheek with his finger tip and reached down to place a single, lingering kiss on his lips.

'Still scared?' he whispered.

'Not so much.'

'I'm going to be there Craig.' He promised 'As much or as little as you like. We're in this together now.'

Craig just nodded, leaning forwards again to rest his head against John Paul's.

'And I just want you to know that…'

'Craig, just shut up yeah?'

Before he could even respond Craig felt hungry lips crash against his own as John Paul's arms snaked around his neck.

'You talk too much.'

'Well you're just going to have to find a way to keep me qui…'

So he did. And there was a feverishness to their kisses that told of chemistry that had been too long denied. John Paul's hands ran longingly through Craig's hair, dragging him closer, drinking him in and losing himself entirely in the mouth that had haunted his dreams.

They didn't hear the knock.

They didn't see the door open.

But they couldn't fail to hear the strangled cry that followed.

And their hands fell like dead weights to their sides as they broke wordlessly apart.

* * *

Thanks for reading...and waiting :) 


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